Some Schtuff... and Shrimp Fried "Rice"

*Long Ass Ranting and Raving Post - Prepare Yourselves!* Hold on to your chairs! I don't want anyone falling off because I'm actually posting something non-Daring Kitchen-y! :D As I mentioned in my last failure to get my Daring Baker challenge done, I spent some time in the hospital last month. I'm fine now - actually I feel fantastic! But I have a long road ahead of me and frankly, I'm scared shitless. :) Without going into the gory details, and in a semi-small nutshell, I was in congestive heart failure. I was retaining water like nobody's business and it was suffocating my heart/lungs. It's been over 3 weeks and I've lost FORTY pounds in water/fluid weight. Hello? I didn't think that could be possible, but apparently it is. Jebus. So now I'm working on living a low-carb lifestyle. Which is to say, I think it would be easier to cut out oxygen in my life. Kidding? Anyhoo, I've joined Weight Watchers and so far am doing pretty well. Their online tools keep me focused and I've kind of enjoyed lurking on low-carb blogs and recipe sites. It's been quite an eye-opener to read about alternatives to white sugar and white flour. I've purchased Stevia powder, erythritol, xantham gum and coconut flour and although I about had to take a loan out to pay for these items, I am looking forward to getting back into the baking thing once in a while. I've also "met" a new friend who has been sooooooooooo helpful in giving me tips and suggestions on how to stay on track. Thanks Michele! *hugs* And if all of this wasn't enough.. yesterday I went in for a bronchoscopy to make sure my tubes were open and to take a biopsy of the lymph nodes on my lungs. It seems that they are enlarged. When they were first discovered in this state, I was told it was pretty common in pneumonia patients, so to be safe, I was scheduled for another CT-scan 3 mos. later - which was the Friday before I went into the hospital for the CHF. Unfortch, the test results showed they were more enlarged than they were before, so the next step was a biopsy. *sigh* I'm not too worried about this. I mean, I'll know for sure on Thursday - but my pulmonary doctor (who is reportedly one of the best in these parts) and the doctor that admitted me to the hospital with the CHF both feel that this isn't c-word related. So I'm very optimistic. :) But I can't just let it go at that.. I must vent on how this bronchoscopy went down yesterday. I was told numerous times that I'd be put out and wouldn't feel anything or remember anything. This was very important to me. I can deal with pain, that wasn't my concern. My concern was my delightful gag reflex. It's horrible. Touch the tip of my tongue and I start to gag sometimes. It's quite sensitive and highly embarrassing when I'm at the dentist. Boo. So this "twilight sleep" they were going to put me under was suppose to just keep me slightly conscious so that my gag reflex would work, as I guess that's important when they shove a 50 foot hose down your throat. But I won't feel a thing! I won't remember anything that happened afterwards! BULLSHIT. I felt every fucking thing and I remember most of it. Bastards. I had two nurses, both under 5' 2" and 110 pounds. One of them comes at me with these 2 lil cups of "numbing medicine" so I won't feel the scope. "Uhh.. why do I need numbing medicine if I'll be out??" She stammered some and then said, "It helps the scope go down." :Uhh.. okay?" So I gargle with this stuff that tastes like bleach and lay back down. Then the doc comes in and asks if I've got any questions.. you'd think that I might have said.. "Dude, WTF is up with the numbing medicine if I'm going to be put the fuck out??" But noooo.. I just looked up into Ohio's version of McDreamy and smiled pretty and nodded my head. Gah. Then I hear tiny nurse no. 1 ask how much medication should she give me.. and he gives her 2 numbers.. there are 2 meds they mix together.. a highly potent narcotic for pain and for putting me into that "twilight" state and another medicine that will help me not to remember anything (I think?).. and then I heard him give her the two numbers. But then tiny nurse no. 2 says, "Are you sure? She'll need at least 120 to 140" and he then said, "Okay, 120 but that's it" and tiny nurse no. 2 says, "That's not going to be enough." and he said, "Shhhh." Again, at this point, wouldn't you sit up and say "Dude, I agree with tiny nurse no. 2, 120 isn't enough GIMME MORE GODDAMMIT" But.. nooooooo.. I don't say one fakking word. Now granted, I do not feel or remember him actually putting the cable in. But I DO feel and I DO remember him pushing it past my vocal cords and I DO remember just about shooting 10 feet up in the air when I felt that. I remember trying to say, "THIS HURTS" but I had some kind of plug thing in my mouth that prevented me from biting down on the cable, so it came out more like "cough - cough - gaggggg - cough - cough - OOD! GAHAMMIT!!!" Well that must have pissed off the tiny nurses, because the next thing I know, I've got one on each side gripping my lower JAWFUCKINGBONE and pulling down on it with all of their weight. I wanted to so give them both the evil "curses" eye but they had a towel over my face. How rude is that? The rest of it went pretty quickly, I'd say the bulk of time during this test is the actual prep and the nurses trying to figure out how to get the computer to work before 'he' gets there "or 'he' will be pissed.". I didn't feel the actual biopsy being taken, thank the baby Jebus. I am also proud to say that I did not projectile vomit at any point of the procedure. All in all, it wasn't THAT horribly bad.. but it wasn't THAT horribly good either. When it was finished, my friend Cindy (who got to babysit me all day, bless her cotton socks) came in and I could hear him talking to her and then she appeared at my side and the first thing I said was, "they lied to me." and she asked how and I said, "I FELT IT" and tiny nurse no. 1 said, "you did great!" and I'm like, "I'm so Delvecchio cursing you as soon as I can get this death grip off the bed rail." She laughed. Obviously, she has no idea how powerful the Delvecchio curse is. tisk tisk for her. Recovery was quick, after all I wasn't put to sleep AS PROMISED, so I came outta the fog after 15 min. or so and was allowed to leave. Next stop was a frosty beverage to cool the burning pipes and then back to my house, where we sat and laughed over the whole thing, then we put a movie in and I FINALLY passed out. Always a day late and a dollar short. Today the mild sore throat is gone, but I'm sporting a rather large face and neck. My cheeks are swollen as if I've been foraging for nuts and my neck is swollen quite like what a bullfrog looks like when he's offering his mating call to the sexy frogette on the next lily pad. That's hott. So what lessons have I learned from this experience? NEVER trust 2 tiny nurses and ALWAYS wear barbed wire around your neck when going in for a bronchoscopy, so they can't get to your jaw bone. Also? McDreamy or not.. always be prepared to administer the Delvecchio curse and DO NOT get lost in his sexy brown eyes, for he and his minions can be evil. Oh and I did find out why I couldn't be put under completely (had to do with low blood-ox levels).. and I understand that.. but maybe a lil heads up would have been nice? :P So anyhoo.. I've vented and I feel better. Back to the low-carb goodies! I found this recipe on a new blog for me. It's Healthy Indulgences written by Lauren. Lauren has taken so many high carb/high fat/high caloric dessert recipes and turned them into delicious looking low carb/low fat/lower caloric desserts that have just astounded me. So much so that I went and bought those alternative natural sugars and flours that I mentioned above. No more white sugar or regular all purpose flour for me! But I am not ready, quite yet (soon though.. very soon! hee!), to bake a dessert. I want to stay with my fruits and sugar free pudding for a bit longer. So when I found this vegetable recipe that was suppose to taste just like shrimp fried rice, I couldn't resist! And seriously, this stuff rocks. I'm not just saying it to make myself believe that CAULIFLOWER can taste like rice - it can! Actually it was better than the last batch of carry-out fried rice we had. It was super easy and super quick to put together and it's definitely going to stay on rotation often. Give it a whirl! Recipe is below with my minor changes, basically out of necessity than anything else. Thanks so much, Lauren! I'm looking forward to this being the first of many recipes from your blog that I will be enjoying in the future - guilt free! :)       Shrimp Fried "Rice" Adapted from this recipe by Lauren at Healthy Indulgences Makes 3 servings Ingredients: 2 heapings cups of grated fresh cauliflower 2 tablespoons coconut oil (any cooking oil is fine) - I used EVOO 1/2 cup sugar snap pea pods - I omitted these and used diced zucchini instead 1/3 cup onion, chopped 4 tablespoons wheat-free tamari or soy sauce - I used low-sodium soy sauce 1/4 teaspoon sesame oil 1/2 teaspoon sea salt dash of garlic powder 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper 1-4 oz can of baby shrimp, or protein of choice 1/4 cup of green peas - I upped the amount to 1/2 c. since we like peas 1 cup of sliced baby portobello mushrooms since I needed to use them up! Not in original recipe 2 eggs, beaten green onion, for garnish (optional) Preparation: Grate cauliflower using a fine cheese grater. Heat up pan with 1 tablespoon of coconut oil. Mix together sesame oil, tamari, and seasonings in a bowl. Sautee onions (I also threw in the zucchini & mushrooms at this stage) for 3 minutes (I went for about 5 minutes to give the zucchini & mushrooms good coloring) over medium heat, or until translucent. Remove from pan and set aside. Sauté sugar snap peas until tender. Add more oil if necessary and all of the cauliflower, stir frying for a couple of minutes. Pour in 1/2 of the soy sauce mixture and stir fry to coat the cauliflower evenly. When the cauliflower is tender (this didn't take long at all.. maybe 4-5 min.), add cooked vegetables, shrimp, and peas along with the rest of the soy sauce mixture. Push "rice" to the side of the pan and scramble eggs on the other side, moving spatula quickly to incorporate eggs with the "rice" mixture. 7 grams net carbs xoxo