An Infamous Cheesecake Indeed...

***I wrote this last night and figured I'd post today once I took some photos of the the 2 new varieties I made yesterday, but with the way my day is already started, who the heck knows when I'll get home to take photos - so I'm posting right now and ya'll just have to come back again to see the CAKE FROM HELL and the 2 new varieties. MUAHAHAHAHAA!*** Yesterday, I made a cheesecake. It was going to be a GLORIOUS cheesecake. One to be envied from every inhabitant of Cheesecake Land. I thought about this cake for a MONTH before even shopping for ingredients. I made LISTS people. I might have even sketched the cake it all of its MAGNIFICENCE. What a true beauty she would be. I was so proud of what I hadn't even started yet. I was PSYCHED. I was watching what the other members were showing off on our private forums and I was left breathless each time.. the creativity of their cakes was AWESOME. But still.. I kinda chuckled to myself thinking "Wait until they see MINE. They're gonna CRAP." Oh yeah, full to the gills with cockiness I was. MUAHAHAHAA! And in true Lisa form.. Allow me to present to you - the first Official Kitchen Disaster of 2009. *sigh* Oops.. first.. gotta take care of bidnezz. ;) The April 2009 challenge is hosted by Jenny from Jenny Bakes. She has chosen Abbey's Infamous Cheesecake as the challenge. Okay disaster or not - this is now my go-to cheesecake recipe. I've never had such a creamy cheesecake.. to die for, kids.. simply to die for. I said this before and I'll say it again.. HUGE pat on the back for Abbey for tweaking this recipe until she found cheesecake perfection.. and an equally HUGE hug for Jenny for bringing us this recipe. Bless both of yas cotton socks. ;) So there.. there you go - now it's documented, stamped, triplicated and carved in granite - LISA screwed this recipe up. LISA managed to take the perfect cheesecake recipe and totally noobed it right into the circular file cabinet. LISA is a cheesecake MURDERER. My favorite commercially made ice cream is Haagen Dazs Caramel Cone. You've got your sinfully rich caramel ice cream.. you've got a salty caramel ribbon running through it.. you've got chocolate covered sugar cone pieces throughout.. it's so good I could just BATHE in it. As a matter of fact, when the day comes that I stop breathing.. I'd like to be buried, completely submerged, in Caramel Cone ice cream. HEY YOU PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN MY NECK OF THE WOODS.. DON'T YOU DARE! GO BUY THIS ICE CREAM. IF I GO TO BUY IT AND IT'S SOLD OUT I WILL HUNT! YOU! DOWN! AND! BEAT! YOU! ABOUT! THE! HEAD! AND! SHOULDERS! WITH! MY! HUSBAND'S! DIRTY! TUBE! SOCKS! ***crickets*** So yeah.. what was I saying? RIGHT! I wanted to recreate my favorite ice cream flavor into a cheesecake. Caramel cheesecake, with a salted caramel ribbon running through it.. but instead of the chocolate covered sugar cones throughout, I thought they'd make a smashing presentation by crushing them up to wee lil pieces and then sticking them to the outside of the entire cake. Maybe even bring it up as a ring around the very top of the cake to use as a "dam" for a salted caramel "pool" on top. ARE YOU FUCKING DYING WITH THE ENVY YET??? Are ya'll writing this down?? Can you even imagine a more STUPENDOUS cheesecake EVER?? OHMYGOD. Figuring out how to make a caramel cheesecake was easy.. sub brown sugar for the white sugar the recipe called for. Easy. But if you're LISA you can't settle for easy so you start the Googling. And you read 1 (ONE) recipe that used DARK brown sugar and the author of the recipe said it was even more caramel-y than using light brown sugar so you are like.. OHYES! I WILL use DARK brown sugar for a more caramel-y cheesecake flavor! SQUEEEEEE! And you even tell a friend what you are going to and the friend will write back in a very supportive and just as excited way and say that the cheesecake will taste like "salted molasses" and she even DROOLED. And all I comprehended was the DROOL and how excited she was for my soon-to-be TRIUMPHANT cheesecake!!!! Salted molasses? One word. Eww. Unfortch for me, that I didn't figure out that lil gem until after my cake was baked. But even before that!! I had to make a caramel ribbon, right?? I had tried once before a long time ago, by using a very thick caramel sauce - but it baked into the cake and gave it a nice caramel flavor, but didn't give me the liquidy/fluidy ribbon I was hoping for. So my lovely friend suggested maybe making a batch of soft caramel.. rolling it into a rope and then arranging it over half the batter, topping with the rest of the batter and then another rope on top of that.. surely the caramel will cook and get melty and form a ribbon. And I'm sure she is right, but this batter is extremely thin, so there's no way it would have held the weight of the caramel rope, they just would have sank to the bottom. :( I got to Googling again.. and my search parameters brought up a commercial cheesecake store in Wyoming (I think?) who had described one of their cheesecakes with a caramel ribbon running through it.. but when I realized it was a site to BUY their cakes and not a site for recipes, I back buttoned to see what else the Googling brought to me.. it was slim fuckin' pickins, lemme tell ya. So in my DESPERATION, I went back to the cheesecake sellin' site and found their contact page and PLEADED with them to tell me the secret to getting a ribbon of caramel throughout a cheesecake. I PLEADED. I'm sure when they read it they thought I had gone batshit crazy to be asking them instead of PLACING AN ORDER like every SANE person would be doing with that contact form. (they never did write me back.. imagine.) I said screw it. We don't need no stinkin caramel ribbon. Instead I will make a rich, luxurious, salted caramel sauce. And I shall spoon that sweet/salty nectar over the crust of my cheesecake and then I will put that pool of pure heaven on the top of my cake and I will still get the flavors of my beloved ice cream. (Do you think I chucked this idea after I made the caramel sauce using golden syrup (following the recipe from November's Golden Caramels) that might have been bad because the caramel sauce had a chemically ass-like taste to it? Read on, naive people.. read on...) Well OF COURSE the caramel sauce baked into the crust!! OF COURSE IT DID. Because that's what fakkin happens. It's SENSIBLE. LOGICAL. RESPONSIBLE. PRACTICAL. And the baking Gods wouldn't be JOYFULLY. PLAYFULLY. WATCHING ME. Nor would they be laughing and pointing at me. Fuckers. And finally.. my genius idea of the chocolate covered sugar cone bits hugging my DELICIOUS cheesecake did not work out either. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I thought I was making a wise decision by going to a very popular chain ice cream store and purchasing their chocolate covered wafer cones. They were cheap, and it would be more convenient than buying a box of regular sugar cones and dipping them in chocolate myself, right? Wrong. Wafer cones, apparently, are way different from sugar cones. And anyone with ONE eye would know this. They obviously don't even look the same. But this did not stop Lisa. Oh hells no. I bought several of those wafer cones and didn't even taste one until after the cake was ready for them.. They were hideous. Gaggable. They were wrong. First the cone was so fake vanilla tasting that I did gag. I really am not a vanilla fan.. lil vanilla here and there I'm okay with.. permeated through whatever a wafer cone is made of is just wrong. And the chocolate the cone is dipped in? Not chocolate, my friends. Oh noooo.. it's that chocolate flavored substance that leaves a waxy mouth feel if you eat it. My guess is they also use this substance as some kind of water-proofing mastic for basements and rooftops. Shame on you Popular Ice Cream Chain! Shame on you for cutting corners on your wafer cones! I have never ate your ice cream and I will NEVER eat your ice cream now. SHAME ON YOU! And also, I'd like my $4.35 back please. So said wafer cones hit the garbage can tout de suite. But I still needed something for the "dam" damnit. After checking out cupboards and pantries.. nothing jumped out at me, so I grabbed more graham crackers.. crushed 'em up and made a ring around the top of the cake, then half-assed spreading them on the outside edges just because I had so much left. I then poured the noxious caramel sauce on top. And then I watched the noxious caramel sauce break through the graham cracker dam and slide down the side of the cake, over the edge of the plate an onto my counter top. I just about imploded at that point. I picked up the plate, used my finger to wipe off as much of the sauce as I could, then just FLINGING it in the direction of my sink because I DIDN'T CARE ANYMORE and threw the fuckin' thing in the fridge. Even after all of this, I had hoped that the flavors would meld and mellow out after a long chill. Yeah no.. that didn't happen either. The one and only TRUE THING that I did WRONG with this cake is to NOT look at it and scream "YOU ARE NOT A MILLION DOLLARS" because for everything I thought was right about the cake, was so pitifully wrong that SURELY had I screamed those words it would have magically turned into a huge fucking pile of $100 bills. GOOD DAY PEOPLE. GOOD DAY. xoxo I made a boatload of mini's.. the first one is for Hubbs.. plain with a simple blueberry & orange compote on top (fakker wouldn't thicken for me like it usually does) And for moi! Orange cheesecake with a seriously thick layer of semi-sweet chocolate poured over it. *slurp* xoxo

Interviews!

Holy cow kids.. I've been interviewed TWICE! And now you can go read and truly see what kind of dork I really am. :D The first interview was by Andrea of Andrea's Recipes. She wrote an article about The Daring Bakers being a virtual learning community and she asked my gorgeous partner Ivonne and I some questions for the article. After a tough month, Andrea still managed to get the article published, and I feel she really captured the essence of what I believe The Daring Bakers are all about - Support, Learning, Comradery and Fun! You can check it out here - Profile of a Learning Community: The Daring Bakers The second interview was a lot of fun, although after re-reading it on his blog, I'm blushing. har! My dear friend, Ed of Is it Edible has started a fantastic weekly event called FOBLOKI - "inside the FOod BLogger's KItchen." Loosely based on Inside the Actor's Studio. I love that show! And I was VERY flattered that he asked me to be a part of it. Thanks Ed! After you recover from being embarassed for me :P, go back and read the interviews before mine.. they are all very, very interesting and fun! Check my interview out here Do you think I'll make it to work on time tomorrow with all of the paparazzi hanging out in my driveway? BAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! xoxo

Oh great, I have to eat the chicken..

I've been neglecting my preshus bloggie. =( You'd think with all of the extra time of relaxation and leisure that I've enjoyed this past week while on vaykay that I'd be posting every day! Nope.. didn't quite work out that way - I had a Tartelette to keep me company for FIVE days!! And then the weather was gorgeous for the rest of the week so I spent most of my time putzin' around in the yard and playing with the dogs as well as catching up on some reading while lounging on our swing by our pond. Heaven. Absolute Heaven. *happy sigh* So what does one do with their very own Tartelette for five days? Well there's a lot of giggling that goes on.. and some huge belly laughs too. Of course there is cooking and baking - lots of cooking and baking. Some wine drinking, and by some I mean 7 dead soldiers laying in our recycle bin. You know, why the hell do they make the wine glasses SO BIG if they aren't going to Econo-size the fakkin bottles?? WTF? *ahem* Hubbs and I picked Helene up at the airport Thursday night and let me tell you, from the second I saw her standing on the curb I knew we were going to have a great time. Any nerves I had completely disappeared. Wanna know why? Because right from that moment I started laughing. Ohhh the look on her face when she saw our vehicle and me, most likely, with a huge slap-happy grin on my face pointing at her as if she was some cool animal on display at the zoo. "Look honey! Right there! Right there! There she is!!" She had this not-quite comprehending look on her face, as I'm jumping up and down in my car seat, as well as this half-wave, half uhhh-is-that-you? jesture going. Priceless. Simply priceless. Then she had to deal with him hitting the brakes and me jumping outta the car at her like some crazy woman. Had I been her, I probably would have dropped a load in my pants and started to cry for my mommie. I grabbed her and gave her a hug and Hubbs grabbed her bags and put them in the back, then we hopped back into the car and from that minute we started chirping. Dear Lord, if he wanted to get a word in he would have been highly disappointed. heee! I don't even remember what the hell we talked about on the way home, other than Paula Deen. Bless her, ya'll. =) Helene brought me Paula's magazine, which I had no idea existed! Me! Paula's number one fan and the woman that would like to take her out for a glass of butter! Course I flipped through the pages but didn't really comprehend much as I had HELENE in the back seat. Holy cow! We got home and she got a very quick introduction to Nigel and Chloe.. if I remember correctly, I don't think she even got in the door before they were all over her. So her first impression of my house was ca-razzeeee dogs (just like their mama) and me screaming at Chloe to "GET DOWN. FOR CHRISSAKES CHLOE GET DOWN!!" Yeah, we're an impressive bunch alright. Things are kinda blurry here too.. I don't know exactly what went on next.. I think there was wine involved. I know we went out to the back by the pond and sat on the swing for a bit.. and then it was like 9:30 already and we were hungry, so we took her to a lil grille and had a fabulous dinner of sauteed perch on their patio. For which half of it I had to stand as my lower back was screaming. That was the only suck thing about the whole time.. my back. Ugh. I still don't know how I hurt it, I was probably going one way and my flab went the other way causing my back to wrench. God. Anyhoo... home we went where Hubbs promptly went to bed (he had to work the next day - MUAHAHAHAHAHAA!!) and she and I stayed up until 1ish just chit chatting. Again, there might have been wine involved? Friday we putzed around and slowly got ready then off we went to the Trader Joe's. I was so focused on getting her there, because that was the one thing she wanted to do while up here, that I completely forgot right next to the TJ's was a Sur La Table.. I so forgot about it that I was kinda startled when she squealed and pointed to it. heheeee Luckily we found some good bargains - well some better than others as I spent $30.00 on a salad spinner that I probably could have got at Linens-N-Things for $20.00, but I was caught up in the awe and wonderment. So's we're browsing around the store looking high and low for good buys when I come to a display of KICK ASS glass tumblers (horrible picture of them) and margarita glasses.. hand blown glass, complete with the lil air bubbles that I love in glassware, as well as a ribbon of different colors blown in around the middle - gorgeous.. and so begging to feed my glassware addiction. I fondled a few of them - wanting very much to bring one up to my cheek for a cuddle, when the sales lady comes over and starts telling me how I "need" these glasses. Helene came over to see what I was drooling over and when I said, with eyes as big as saucers, "I covet these glasses", she joins in with the sales lady and tells me that I need them.. "Maybe I'll just buy two", I say. The whole time I'm wonderin' which method Hubbs will use when he kills me if I buy any more glassware.. but they were gorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrjusssssss. So the next thing I hear is Helene telling me that two wasn't enough and that I "needed" four - as she was putting them into our basket! It was like she knew I'd die a slow and painful death if I did not purchase those that I covet, so she made the decision for me. Bless her cotton socks. Not to mention, she was now my scapegoat when Hubbs saw them - "She MADE me do it!!!" heeee! She checks out first and she puts the glasses up on the counter and I'm like, "those are mine!" to the cashier, when Helene says, "Ohhh noooo I'm buying these for you!" and then this look comes across her face and she says, "What? Did you think I was actually forcing you to buy 4 glasses?" HAHAHAHAAA! Well no, I didn't really think she was forcing me, I really thought she just read my mind and new how sad I'd be if I didn't buy them so she just gave me that lil push I needed and dammit, I'd do that for a friend too! So's I try to explain that to her, trying not to sound like an asshole and make her think I thought she was forcing me.. and well.. I shut up and she bought me four TO DIE FOR glass tumblers that I covet (as well as fondle each day). Was that toooo sweet, or what?? Thank you Helene and B! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new glasses. =) xoxo Next we went to the TJ's and had a blast in there.. she got some items that she could take back with her and I bought way too much, as per usual. We spent a good hour in there, I'd say, and once we finally left we decided we were hungry, so we drove over to a nearby Italian chain (Bravo!) for a nice lunch of fried calamari and chop salads. I was then going to take her to The West Side Market, but we were pretty much all shopped out so we went home.. Friday night was steaks on the grill with my sister joining us and I think there were potatoes and salad and uhh, definitely wine. After dinner we all retired to the back by the pond where Hubbs made a fire. My sis said she had a hankerin' for something sweet, so I told her I had caved the week before and bought the fixin's for s'mores. Ingredients were brought out and she and Helene started roasting their marshmallows. This might not sound very exciting, but it was Helene's first s'more ever!!! I was quite delighted to watch her eat her first s'more. And then her second s'more. Ohh there goes the third s'more! hahaha I guess I can say that she thoroughly enjoyed them. :D I didn't participate in s'more eating because my week of frantic cleaning and house project finishing finally caught up to me - as well as the back thing screaming, so I went to bed early. But from the look of my kitchen table the next morning (beer cans! shot glasses! wine glasses! a half bottle of Yukon Jack! My preshus Grand Marnier left OPEN!) I'd say they all had fun without me. :D Saturday we got to bakin'.. well.. I guess you could call it that. What normally would have taken 3 hours, tops, to complete the Daring Baker's challenge recipe, started around 1 pm (we had gossip to share! showers to take! e-mails to check! blogs to drool over!) and ended around 9:30ish. God. My feet were SCREAMING in protest. hahahaaa! I also taught her how to make my family's marinara and meatballs (ancient Italian secret - and no one had better tell my mom that I gave it to her! hahahaaa) in between making batter and baking, so it wasn't like just the one recipe was made in those 8.5 hours. *grin* Oh we had way too much fun - much more than 2 silly girls in a kitchen should have. =) Helene also gave me a present that afternoon. One of those band exerciser thingies? You know.. like a giant rubber band with handles on each end? Then she taught me several exercises with it, as well as how many I should do and for how long. Considering the very long road I've got ahead of me, this was the perfect choice in how to start out my exercise routine. The exercises are low impact and focus on working on the muscles, they get my heart beating and I can feel the burn - but not to the extent where I feel I'm going to have a heart attack. hahaha! Paired with walking each day (slowly but surely I am walking a little longer each afternoon), I am feeling really good about these new routines. :D From here on out she's going to send me new exercises and work out plans and hopefully by the time we make it to South Carolina, I'll be in, at least, a lil better shape! Thank you, SO MUCH, sweetie. =) Course dinner that night was spags & balls and uhhh, wine. I think we made it to around 1 am that night as well. Hubbs had left us girls the house (he ran away to his brother's, I think he was scared of being with the girls all weekend) so it was nice to just lounge in the living room, after a very long day in the kitchen, watching Anthony Bourdain (sexxxxy thing) eat cow snout. Sometimes Nigella will have this effect on you... Sunday we resumed our baking and finished the challenge recipe.. oh, I said our time in the kitchen ended around 9:30 the night before but I didn't exactly say we finished the challenge. ha! So we finished that, then we made the sorbet (see below) and she taught me how to make a gorgeous rose out of a pear of all things! Finally we got to what I had been dying to do.. the macarons. Oh yeah baby!! That was the coolest thing I've been taught in I can't tell ya how long.. we made 3 different flavors, (and by "we" I mean, SHE did most of the work - let's just say my piping skills are about as good as my frosting technique. har!) all of which were heavenly. I'm going to guest blog about them on her blog sometime next week - so be looking for it! :D Finally, we made dinner, which consisted of sesame seed encrusted teriyaki tuna steaks, Alanna's green bean salad and Helene's ratatouille (she'll be guest blogging right here about it next week as well! Yay!). Holy crap, I'd never had ratatouille before and OMG it was so good. SO GOOD! My mom and sister joined us and they both agreed how fakkin good it was. =) After everyone left and Hubbs went to bed (he had to work the next day MUAHAHAHAHAHAA) Helene and I stayed up until 3 a.m. working on lil projects - but I gotta tell you, I don't know how she was feeling, but I think I helped stretch out the night so long because I knew she'd be leaving the next day and I DIDN'T WANT HER TO GO. =( Two major dorks. :D So yeah, Monday came.. and we spent the morning drinking coffee and chatting until it was time for her to start packing and getting ready for the airport. Once we got there, I helped her get her bags out and gave her a great big hug and told her how much I loved her.. then I hadda get my vehicle outta the way, so I left. =( I was sad, but not as sad as I thought I'd be because seriously, the way we clicked from the minute I saw her throughout the rest of her stay, I knew we'd only grow stronger in our friendship and that this would not be the only time we'd spend together. Hubbs and I are planning a trip to South Carolina (hopefully this winter!) so we can also meet Helene's husband (who, btw, is HOTTT) and do some damage in her kitchen. :D The rest of my week was pretty much spent as I stated above, but every morning I wake up I wish she was still here. xoxo

BAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!

I just got done reading comments - THANKS you guys! =) And the last one was from Brilynn, who said - and I quote! "Ah lis, the crispy sundried tomato bagels look like they're covered in bugs! Yes I know, that's know something you want anywhere near food, but it was funny to me... " BAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!! She's right!! After I read her comment, I clicked back over to the post to see what the hell she was talking about.. and well.. BAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! OMG tears are STREAMING down my cheeks right now.. SO FUNNY!! I heart you, Bril =) xoxo

Laughing

This has been passed around for months and everyone has probably already seen it.. I know I first saw it probably before I had started this lil blog.. but for no other reason that I can't stop giggling over it yet again, I present to you... Laughing babies :) and this one!

Paula Deen's "Pine Bark" or This Month's Disaster

You'd think this was a pretty foolproof recipe. You'd think. I've read a few of your posts regarding this "candy" as well as reading about it in Paula's cookbooks and I've drooled and said I was going to make it one day.. it sounded so simple to make and the use of saltine crackers really piqued my interest. Crackers made into candy? Interesting, to say the least. I didn't quite know what to expect, but I figured it had to be good.. we're talking a 1/2 pound of butter and chocolate! And just like Paula's macaroons.. this recipe disappointed me. As usual, I can not say it was a disaster because of the recipe, because I've read a few bloggers' posts on making it and no one else said theirs turned out like mine did. So my guess is it's me causing the chaos, which isn't shocking ;) Yeah.. it's pretty, isn't it? NOT. That was the first clue as to how these were going to turn out. My chocolate would not melt.. I don't understand. When I took the crackers topped with the sugar mixture out of the oven it was bubbling hot. I immediately scattered my chips on top and let them sit until they got all shiny.. when I tried to spread the chocolate evenly, I found the chips weren't melted yet. So I put the whole tray back into the oven for a couple minutes. Well I just don't know what to say. When I took the tray back out the sugar mixture was bubbling again but those freaking chips STILL would not spread evenly. The hell? At this point I was afraid to put them back in the oven for fear the sugar would burn so I just let them sit hoping they would eventually melt down so I could spread a nice layer of chocolate on top. Mmm hmm.. no such luck. Apparently this bag of Ghiardelli chocolate chips were made with some "non-melting" component. Okay.. so what? As our (my mom and I) motto goes - it doesn't matter how it looks, as long as it tastes good! Yeah.. no. The sugar mixture, which I assume was suppose to be a caramel type substance was grainy and greasy. The chocolate tasted good, but there were hunks here and either thin layers or none there.. the crackers did stay crunchy, which surprised me. When making the caramel (or reasonable facsimile thereof) I stirred and stirred and let it boil for at least 5 minutes.. it all came together but the sugar didn't dissolve completely. Blah. A waste of ingredients. If any of you have made this and it turned out good.. can you figure out what I did wrong? That was my first attempt ever in trying to make a caramel (again, I'm assuming that was what that was?) I melted the butter in a medium sauce pan and then added the brown sugar. I continually stirred it until it came together and bubbled for 5 minutes (Paula's recipe said to boil for 2-3 minutes but at that point the butter and sugar were still slightly separated). Should I have kept it on the heat longer? It was getting pretty thick and sticky at 5 minutes and that's why I took it off the heat in fear that it would burn. Do I get scared too quickly? Lemme know! Please! hahahahaaaaaaa! What. Ever.

Creamy Mac & Cheese... and Peanut Butter

Quite the flavor combination, eh? Yes, well have no fears, I did not combine the two. They are just the two topics I want to share with yous guys today. =) Firstly, after another week of work, work and then some work, I did not cook much of anything new and exciting. Instead I kept with our favorite tasty and quick stand-by's that we love so much.. spaghetti and meatballs, grilled steaks on the grill, pan fried pork shoulder steaks with butter fried cabbage and noodles and Japanese Wings. It wasn't until last night that I felt slightly creative and that really is surprising as I didn't get out of work until very late and barely had an ounce of energy left. I guess my grumbling belly overcame the rest of my body's grumblings for bed. Hubbs decided to go visit some friends at his favorite dive and I thought I'd be taking a nice relaxing hot bath after reading my e-mail and then hitting the sack. Not sure exactly what inspired me to think about macaroni and cheese - could have been the weather. We seem to have left summer in the blink of an eye and are heading directly into fall weather here in the armpit of the midwest. I am not complaining though. Autumn is my most favorite time of the year and although this was a great summer (although a tad bit wet) temperature wise (all in all we didn't really have long bouts with the Africa-hot temps this year), it's September and I am jonesin' for the leaves to start changing, the flannel sheets to be put on the bed and my fuzzy slippers that I have stored away. I'm longing for Sundays with my crock-pot, football games and long drives enjoying the foliage. Or maybe it was just the need for comfort food after a very long week. A little pampering was definitely in order. So around 9 o'clock last night, I opened the fridge to assess my choices in cheeses. I always have cheese in this house. Moutains of cheese usually. I was not disappointed when I opened that drawer that I love to open.. inside were large hunks of creamy Fontina and Gouda along with a decent size chunk of Gruyere and a brand new wedge of the Granddaddy of Cheese's, my most favorite Parmigiano Reggiano. Because it was so late and I was all of a sudden so very hungry, I decided to not make a baked mac & cheese.. I went through all the motions - started with making a roux and then adding the luke-warm milk and seasonings of salt, pepper, ground mustard and worchestershire sauce whisking until it was thick. Then I finished the sauce with the addition of chunked cheeses stirring until it was all melty and gooey.. *swoon* I simply poured the sauce over my al dente elbow macaroni and after a quick stir and a few shavings of the Reggiano I was all ready to sink into my favorite seat in front of the TV and allow all the stress of the week to widdle away with every creamy spoonful. The perfect ending to a very long day =) Speaking of comfort food.. peanut butter fits that bill for me, as well. I could not imagine not having at least 1/2 a jar of the stuff on hand at all times. One of my most favorite snacks in alla world is toasted bread slathered with peanut butter. And don't even get me started on all the fabulous recipes made so much better with the addition of peanut butter! Oh and hello? Who's chocolate's best friend? Yes! You know who it is.. peanut butter! So imagine my utter shock when reading one of my most favorite non-foodie bloggers, Melissa of Sarcomical profess her utter disgust with peanut butter! I was dumbfounded. How could anyone not like peanut butter? This is blasphemy! Or at the very least, unheard of in my realm of thinking. As I continued to read her post regarding peanut butter I found myself laughing out loud.. that kind of tear producing, belly shaking laughter. This is a post that you must read for yourself. And although I can not agree with her opinion of peanut butter, I can most assuredly agree with the rest of her faithful readers that this gal is hysterical. ;)

Funny!

Who hasn't received the forwarded jokes regarding what women go through in their lives? I'll usually scan through them and maybe smile if they are well written or just end up closing it before I've read it through because blah blah blah I've seen a million of 'em.. yanno? This one was written so well that I actually laughed out loud - and I thought it'd be cute to share with ya'll =) Why Women Are Crabby We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowling ball through a keyhole. After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more? When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday. So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

The story of a drunken fat-ass chicken...

As I've said before.. Wayne is pretty good in the kitchen. He rarely follows a recipe and just throws things in a pot that usually ends up quite tasty. But when it comes to something he's not familiar with he get's a little hmm.. how shall I say? Uptight? Yes.. uptight. Like all of us, he wants his new creation to turn out beautifully but when chartering unfamiliar waters he fusses over every detail and over thinks each step. If I hadn't been in that situation a few times myself, I would think he's going nuts.. but instead I try to be as understanding and helpful as I can, until he leaves me and then I quietly giggle behind his back. I'm so not nice, am I? ;) So as I was stuck in bed on Saturday, he was out on his sofa watching some show on Food TV that featured a chicken, with a beer can shoved up it's heiney, being grilled. Grilled? Beer? Poultry? I'm sure he could barely control himself while watching. Kinda sorry I missed his reaction. When I did venture out to see that the world still existed, and by that I mean I needed coffee, he hopped off the sofa and announced that he was going to grill chicken for dinner! Ta-da! Having not known what he had just witnessed, I was like.. "okay.. good for you, honey" and kind of looked at him strangely. He's never gotten excited over grilled chicken before, so I didn't get what got his britches in such a bunch? I propped myself up on my loveseat (yes, we have designated living room furniture) duly putting my feet up on all the throw pillows (that info is for my doc if she's reading - and I know she is.. right along with Val Kilmer and Tyler Florence) and listened to him go on and on about this fabulous beer can chicken. I was a bit alarmed as part of the story was about how the chef drank half a can of beer and then proceeded to cut the top of the can off. So I'm picturing in my mind's eye, Hubbs guzzling half that beer down (wasn't such a hard image to conjure up) and then trying to saw off the top with a circular saw.. there was blood, lots of blood and foamy beer everywhere. *shudder* After hearing his story and making him promise to not cut the top of the can off and to poke an extra hole or two in the top instead, I encouraged him to grill his lil heart out. His first duty was to run up to the store to buy a chicken and down the hallway he went (I think he actually skipped down the hallway) to our bedroom to get dressed. Once presentable and with a quick kiss on my cheek he was off. Fifteen minutes later he was back and carrying FIVE bags of supplies and a case of beer. That would be F.I.V.E. (5) bags (I wasn't shocked over the need to purchase a case of beer for one can shoved up the poultry's bum). I watched him unpack a very large chicken (big enough to feed a huge family), lighter fluid, a bag of charcoal, apple juice?, potatoes, several heads of garlic and two bottles of Hershey's Chocolate Shake chocolate milk for me (squeeee!). He so knows what meds to buy me when I'm ill. =) I snagged the milk from his hands, kissed him and went back to bed. Over the next two hours, he came into the bedroom with various comments and questions about how to season the chicken, what temperature the grill should be at, what to do with the gizzards and neckbone, should he be basting?, how will he know when the chicken is done? What temperature was that again, honey? Where do I stick the thermometer? Just wanted to let you know it's looking good and smelling great!, Shouldn't the skin be getting brown by now? So I sent him back outside with the camera and told him to take me a picture so I could see how it looked... This was after two hours.. it looked pretty sad to me and I couldn't help but to laugh. He's got one of those smoker things that can be used as a grill and a steamer as well.. here I thought he was using either our propane grill (that can also be used with charcoal) or the grill we take camping. Unfortunately, the smoker grill thingie just doesn't get hot enough for huge items to cook thoroughly (unless, of course you are smoking it for hours and hours and hours) when grilling. So that bird, which normally would have taken two hours tops, still had a good two hours or so to go. I thought he was going to faint when I mentioned that lil tidbit to him. So I told him it might be a good idea to preheat our oven and bake the chicken there. If he were to put the racks on the bottom there would be plenty of room for the chicken to still stand up on it's can. (no pun intended) I could tell when he brought the chicken in as the smell of smoke wafted back to our bedroom. I about died. He, obviously, forgot to take the old chips out of the smoker before putting the charcoal in. Gah. A little background here.. he bought a bag of wood chips a few weeks ago - a type he'd never cooked with before and I couldn't tell ya what the hell kind they were - to smoke a pork roast and some ribs. Whatever the hell type they were, they totally ruined the roast and ribs.. the taste was putrid and we still marvel at how we managed to even try the meat because getting a piece of it past our noses was amazing in itself. I waited to hear the oven door shut before I called him back to the bedroom and reminded him of the stanky and putrid pork. He said he took most of the chips out, he just left a few in.. well a few was a few too many. Can you see where this is going? Forty five minutes later, we had a beautifully browned chicken.. cooked to perfection. He took it out and let it rest. After five minutes we were both gagging. The smell was atrocious. We had hoped that because he had taken out most of the evil chips, that maybe just the skin would have that putrid taste and the meat would be fine. But noooooooo.. we were wrong. The whole fakkin thing tasted exactly like the pork of a few weeks ago. We had tears streaming down our faces.. because of the smell and the way we were both manically laughing. Three hours of cooking one chicken and some potatoes and none of it was edible. It looked fantastic.. but.. Gah. "Hello, Donatos? Yes, we'd like to order a large pizza..."

That's right.. you can call me Annie.. Annie Oakley that is :)

Holy crap I need to buy me a shotgun, ASAP. Oh yes my friends.. I had a blast! I am the master of skeet shooting!! WOOOOOOO!! Okay so the day started off as per usual.. bust me arse to get to Kim's on time - where I did a lot of standing around and helped set up for their garage sale, while waiting on the rest of the girls to get there. Then the babies woke up.. so Auntie Lisa had to go in and say good morning and get hugs.. unfortunately, I didn't get any hugs as the boys are quite shy when they wake up. But I did get projectile vomited on! YEAH! Way to start the day :D We ended up being 20 minutes late (no shocker there, quite frankly) and missed out on breakfast but just in time to register while they were taking the group photo so I got outta that.. teeee! First class was handguns. I wasn't really psyched about it.. especially since I was so nervous and really wished I could have eased into the day with Pet First Aid or Outdoor Cooking.. but whatcha gonna do? So there are 2 of us from our group and 3 other ladies. One in particular.. she was just about crying because she was so deathly afraid of guns. They asked her to hold one to get the feel of it and she SQUEALED like a friggin stuck pig. She took hold of it and the instructor was trying to get her to understand how IMPORTANT it was to always point to gun straight up in the air or down the target site. Oh hell no.. she's nodding her head in agreement and swinging that fakkin thing around like nobody's business. All I could do was watch and silently pray that I'd live through this ordeal. Then they wanted me to stand next to her at the target line. Fakkkkk no. I refused. I lied and said something about the sun in my eyes and moved to the opposite end of the line. After about 5 minutes of "safety" talk we began shooting. We shot .22 gauge handguns, mine was Ruger if that makes any difference.. it was heavier than hell and it didn't feel comfortable in my hand at all. Our targets were bulleye's on a piece of flimsy 8 x 11 paper stapled to a split wood fence. It took me several tries to even hit the paper, I kept shooting down.. apparently I was trying to force the recoil, whatever the hell that means. So after, maybe, the 4th round of shooting, I finally found my spot and hit the target consecutively. I even managed to get a few holes in the black center. Party on. Didn't thrill me at all, and pretty much the only thing I could think about was how bad my arms were shaking with the weight of the gun and how on God's green earth my instructor could have eaten onions and dog feces for breakfast. Gawd. The best part (NOT) of handguns was when I was standing there aiming my gun at the target, concentrating on getting the lil site on the end of the gun to line up with the bottom band of the bullseye and all of a sudden something flew my way and hit me in the cheek. I just about dropped a load in my pants. Thought for sure I had been hit by the psycho women down the line and was ready to hit the deck and start crying for my mommie. And my lawyer. Well come to find out after one fire's the gun, the lil shell thingie plinks out the side of the gun. Do you think they could of informed us of this lil detail?? Especially those of us who had never shot a damn gun before?? I thought I was getting ready to meet my maker for crissakes! Next up was Pet First-Aid. Our instructor was a vet's tech who had been taking care of animals for over 20 years. She was so nice and so very informative. I really enjoyed this class because I asked her a couple questions that I had asked my vet in the past and didn't get good answers to. She was different and really took the time to explain to me what I wanted to know. Which was great, because I tend to freak out at the smallest of things gone wrong when it comes to my dogs, especially Nigel. I learned how to give pet CPR, what to do in case of heat stroke, what to do if one of my animals swallows medication they shouldn't be swallowing, what to do when Chloe turns completely evil and not like herself and decides to jump up on the counter and help herself to a chicken wing (ugh), what common plants are poisonous and the correct rates of breathing, heart beat and temperature for both my dogs and my cat. I really, really enjoyed that class. Third class was my favorite.. FAV.OR.ITE! Skeet shooting. Oh yeah baby.. what a rush! Our instructors were a couple of park rangers and some old timer shot gun enthusiasts. They were so great, so nice and so easy to learn from. AND they were totally impressed with my shotgunning abilites. Called me a natural, yes they did. At first, I was a bit intimidated and more than slightly embarrassed. Intimidated because I was thinking how badly my arms shook holding the little handgun and how would I react to this huge shotgun thing? Embarrassed because the instructor took one look at my uhmm.. rather ample.. chest area and asked the whole class if anyone felt they might need a shotgun for "shorter" arms. Yes, my dear, dear friends all looked over at me and pointed. *sigh* Stop laughing. I'll have you know he gave me the "normal" armed shotgun and the only thing that wouldn't reach was my finger from the hold to the trigger, so my arms are of normal length dammit. I've just got a slightly shorter index finger. :P So I was made fun of for the rest of the day.. here, you can join in on the fun.. extend your arms, now fold them back in towards your shoulders, so they are at chest level. Now shake your upper torso so just your hands flap. There feel better? You can walk around all day like that asking me if I want to fight. Women are so cruel. But enough of that! Our whole group made up this class, which was perfect - no strangers. They split us up into 2 groups of 4, my group went first. I was second in line to shoot. Jenn was first - Jenn's been shooting since she was 8.. so her first shot was dead on and the lil clay pigeon died a quick and painless death. I'm up.. I was showed how to hold the gun and how to stand to ease the brunt of the recoil. I kinda felt like a tard, but I was determined not to crap my pants during this class. I was told that I should yell "Pull!" when I was comfortable. I stood there for a minute trying to figure out where the hell the target was going to fly and realized I was kidding myself if I thought I was going to figure this out beforehand, so I just yelled "Pull!" but it came out more like a whisper and nothing happened. Dear instructor leaned closer to my ear and said I'd have to use my "outdoors" voice. Smartass. I yelled it again, this time louder and the damn thing came flying out of this huge green box at like 90 gazillion m.p.h. The thing had already landed somewhere in Canada before I pulled the trigger. Yep that first shot was something to behold. The recoil wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be thankfully. Line moved on and I waited for my next turn.. again, not such great results although the instructors were just gushing over my stance.. how perfect it was and how great I was following that target! It must be the wind that's preventing me from breaking that thing into a million pieces! I really loved how they were such great bullshitters. :D Anyhoo.. third try was the charm.. I found my groove and hit the target each time thereafter. We probably did about 20 rounds. I was so impressed with the whole thing and myself. Who woulda thunk it? heheeee! Today I have a huge bruise on my shoulder and I can't quite get my arm up over my head, but those small inconveniences are well worth the rush I got every time that thing exploded in my arms. I definitely want to skeet shoot again one day! Finally the last class was Outdoor Cooking and it was so incredibly lame that I'm not gonna waste much time on it.. they had us make "pizzas" in pie irons (because that's what the settlers prolly ate, right? Stoopid. They showed us a cast iron dutch oven and an aluminum cooking set that folded up into itself for easy carrying. woo. Our instructor was a 19ish year old, quivering boyscout. He spent most of his lecture arguing with a women (we thought it might be his mother) about what troop number he belonged to. Pie irons are cool.. but not what I was thinking would be a course in "primitive cooking", yanno? Bleh. All in all though, the classes were informative, well organized and quite fun. I enjoyed being outside all day and got my first sunburn of the season (first of many, I'm sure!). The gals I went with are total sweeties and I always have fun with them, so I knew even if the classes sucked, I'd probably still end up having a good time. I won a door prize, which was a bonus.. a Ruger travel mug and bandanna, no less! I'll be sporting that soon! There were awesome raffles at the end of the day. You could buy tickets during the day and then walk around and put your tickets in the jug for whichever package you wanted to win.. you could put all of your tickets in one jug or spread them out.. the packages weren't chintzy either. I put my tickets in a few things but concentrated the bulk on the dog package.. which I estimated to be well worth at least $200.00. They had a package for each class offered so everyone found something they wanted to try to win. They also had a silent auction, which I didn't partake in - but even those items where high end and not something you'd find at the local flea mart. Really, it was a great event and the organizers did a fabulous job. I'll be going again.. that's for sure :D Hubbs is calling from the living room.. "I'm hungry!" so it's time to slap the steaks on the grill.. I'll post the flower pictures tomorrow morning. Also, there might be pictures from yesterday's event.. I forgot my camera (so pissed myself off) but a couple of the gals brought disposables and they said they'd scan 'em after they got them developed. 'kay, off to do my wifely duties! :D

The things I do for my friends and other assorted gems...

It's 4:30 in the morning. My alarm clock woke me at 3:30. I am off to an outdoorsey "hands-on" crafty-like school today. I'm going to learn how to cook over an open campfire, the cowboy way! I'm going to learn pet first-aid, skeet shooting and how to handle a handgun. I'm going to learn self-defense! Me! Lis from the suburbs. Har! I'm questioning my sanity right now. My dearest friend in all the world, Kim, has been bugging me to join her and her sisters and a few other friends for months now in this outdoorsey womanly event. Did I mention skeet shooting and handguns? I'm gonna end up poking my damn eye out! Or worse yet.. someone else's. I'm nervous. I'm excited (kinda). I'm wondering what kind of bugs there will be and how exactly am I going to plate and photograph the food without people asking me what the hell I am doing? I can no longer cook without taking pictures! I don't like guns! Lord.. this is going to be quite the day. And the best part? They don't allow sandal wearing. Hello? It's summer and my toes are simply looking divine with their beauteous pink polish. Course I guess that a shoe that covers my piggies might be better if there are going to be GUNS in the vicinity. Wish me luck! I'm gonna need it! Also.. we went flower shopping last night.. unfortunately I was so dead tired when we got home that I didn't take pictures of all the pretties like I had intended. Hubbs is going to start to plant today while I'm gone and tomorrow we are going to finish it together, I'll take pics then.. simply because I know you won't be able to sleep until you see :D I got my herbs for my strawberry pot - am so happy! Fresh herbs that I will be nurturing instead of paying $3.00 a pop for! Yay! Also, I got this fabulous plant that I've never seen before (actually 3 of them) I don't know exactly how to describe it other than it looks like a plant covered in fall leaves.. the colors are scrumptious, all orange and mauve and gold and reddish-purple. It's magnificent and I hope they like our soil and live for many years to come. Okay.. I gotta get ready for combat.. erhmm.. I mean a fun filled day with the girls. Ugh. Hopefully, I'll still be here tomorrow so I can post! heheeee Prayer people.. lots of prayers for me and my less than graceful self. Gah.

I miss my cutie-pie...

This is a little shout-out, just in case my sweet friend Ali is checking in.. she's been kinda burned out from blogging and has been staying away from the PC. Just wanted to let her know she is greatly missed and I hope all is well and that your lil "vacation" away has done you good - and uhhmmm.. is making you miss all of us and want to come back soon! :D Hugsssssssssssss =))

The Evolution of Dance

Oh. My. Gawd. This is absolutely hysterical.. I had to share :D

Meringue 2 Lis 1 =(

GAH!!! What the hell is it with me and meringue?? When I whisk my eggs they turn out to be beautifully stiff and glossy. When I fold in other ingredients, I don't lose the fluff.. but when they come outta my oven.. GAH!! Allow me to remind you about this monstrosity where I burnt the meringue on top, but managed to undercook the cake and the meringue on the sides. Pretty. Allow me to introduce to you today's monstrosity: Yes.. that's a sheet full of fluffy chocolately cappuccino meringues. See the fluff? No? GAH!!! Alrighty then, well I'd hate to waste 3 egg whites, a cup of confectioners sugar and 3 oz each of chocolate and cappuccino chips.. so let's plate them and see how they taste - maybe they'll be chewy instead of melty in your mouthy, I like chewy! Okay.. here we go.. lessee here.. Hmmm.. apparently not only did they not stay fluffy, but they spot welded themselves to my cookie sheet. All but one. You see the one, right?? Okay, taste test next - I wasn't going to NOT sample them after I almost dislocated my elbow trying to pry them from my cookie sheet! On a scale of 1 to 10, I give them a negative 7. I only rated them that high because they did stick in my teeth and I was still chewing 5 minutes later. Whatever meringues. What. Ever.

So bad.. it's actually funny =)

Two disasters in one week.. I'm on a roll! :D Maybe I'm being punished this week? I mean, I've had my fair share of disasters in the kitchen - but not two in a row before. I guess it was the perfect ending to the week from hell. tee heee On yesterday's agenda were two new recipes to try. This delightful cake is called Meringue Swirled Chocolate Cake and the recipe comes from a not so shabby cookbook, Betty Crocker's Ultimate Cake Mix Cookbook. I've made a couple cakes from this book a very long time ago and remember them being pretty good. I am to blame for the disaster it turned out to be, but even the taste of this cake wasn't so hot. I mean it totally tasted like a cake from a box. That's usually not so bad for me.. up until a few years ago, that was the only kind of cake I'd make, it's the kind of cake my mom always made so it's not like I'm a bake from scratch kinda gal from way back, yanno? Admittedly, I have not had a boxed cake in quite a while, so maybe my taste buds have been spoiled? Maybe they revolted because I dared to expose them to a boxed cake? I have no idea. All I know is that it was a disaster from beginning of baking time to tasting time. Everything went well in the making.. the eggs turned beautifully glossy and the stiff peaks were perfect. Spreading the meringue onto the springform pan was easy and I even managed to keep an even coating around the sides. The swirls on top turned out oh so pretty! Suggested baking time was 1 hour 30 minutes. I set my timer for 1 hour 20 minutes as my oven tends to get a little too hot. Bringing me to Bad Lisa No. 1 - I tested with a regular toothpick and it came out clean. I noticed the cake peaking from the meringue didn't quite look done but I didn't give it much thought. So I took it out and was happy.. it was a glorious golden color and it smelled really good! About 45 minutes later I took another look at it and thought, "Wait a minute.. I wonder if that pick even made it through the meringue on top into the cake below?" So I searched in one of my gadget drawers and found some longer bamboo spears and poked one in the middle.. well now.. I had myself a completely undone cake! What's a rather experienced home cook to do? Heat the oven up again and put it back in, of course! Lisa Bad No. 2 - apparently, no, that is not what you should do with a meringue topped (or any cake for that matter?) cake. It took another 30 minutes for the bamboo spear to come out clean and by then my meringue was turning BLACK in spots. As Rachael Ray would say.. "Yum-O!" Bleh. This picture shows how the meringue on top is burnt while the sides are still wet and not cooked through, sticking to the springform when I took the ring off. Nice. Being a firm believer in the religion of "Just cuz it looks bad doesn't mean it won't taste good" I waited until it had cooled completely and cut myself a slice. The first thing that hit me was the burnt meringue. So I peeled it off. The cake was not over done, but very moist, a good sign, yes? But it tasted like a slightly flavored chocolate piece of sponge. I used a Devil's Food cake! The chocolate should have been more pronounced, it always is.. why this one didn't I dunno. Anyway.. total bummer. I wish I had a scanner so I could show the picture in the book.. by comparison, mine looks well.. yeah.. uhh different. Second new recipe of the night.. Chops with Greens and Parmesan Pasta as a side. Fakk no. I was so not in the mood for another disappointment , even though it was a pretty clean cut recipe that I didn't think I could screw up, I wasn't going to take any chances. So I just seared my chops, threw 'em in the oven for a bit and made some hashbrowns to go with.. hahahahaaaa! Done! Here's to a better week! *ching*

Oh. My. God. Pt. II

Chloe has it now. *sob*

Oh. My. God.

What a week I've had. Nigel has been sick with a lower intestinal bacterial infection. My poor sweet little man. :( My plans to try 3 new recipes by Friday certainly did not pan out as I had hoped. Other than Wednesday night, I have been woken up at 3 am by my dogs to some form of nastiness. I am not dissing moms of human babies.. not at all, I totally respect all the hard work it takes in raising children. But being a mom of the four legged, furry variety has been an eye opener, to say the least. I've always had dogs, ever since I was 6. But I've always had my parents and sisters to help deal with the bad stuff that occasionally happens. Nigel, Chloe and Kitten are my first "owners" that I've had since having my own family. And yeah, along with Hubbs, those guys are my family. So a little background here.. those of you who own small dogs probably know that although they are very smart little guys and gals, it's harder and sometimes impossible to train them to go potty outside 100% of the time. Chloe, she'd hold it until the cows came home if she had too - my dear girl learned quick and she learned well. Nig, on the other hand, still can't get it into his cute little head that my walls and my loveseat are not there for him to lift his leg upon on occasion. Since they were puppies, we've crate trained them. When Hubbs is home they both sleep in this giant crate together and all we have to do is open the door and in they go, happily. I'm very pleased about that, as I rarely have to deal with morning messes. Well.. since Hubbs has been away on work, I let the dogs sleep with me - because it makes me feel more safe. In the two months this has been going on, my little angel boy has done so well. I think I've woken up to one mess the whole time - up until this past Tuesday. Tuesday I woke up to "bombs" all over my living room carpet. At first I was mad.. I thought he had just decided that he had to go so he went. So I put them outside and started cleaning the mess. This Tuesday I had a lunch time appointment with the second of three fence companies to give me a quote on tearing out our old and incredibly ugly chain link fence and replacing it with glorious new 6' wood privacy fence, so when I came home for lunch to let my guys out and meet the fence guy, I was assaulted by a stank the minute I opened the door. I knew then that Nigel wasn't being a lil shit (no pun intended) the night before but that he obviously had an upset tummy, because he couldn't even hold it in the crate - dogs will not do their business where they sleep unless they absolutely can't control it. Luckily, I came home a little earlier than my meeting, so I started to clean up the mess in the crate. This involved trying to get the blankets out without uhmm.. letting anything drop to the floor from the crate (in living room) to my laundry room (through dining room and kitchen) or getting anything on myself. Mission accomplished. Now I had to get the liner of the crate out and into the laundry room so I could wash it off. Check. Next was to assess the kids.. because you KNOW they were laying it in. Chloe had managed to mostly steer clear other than stepping in it, but Nigel was covered - so emergency bath was in order. Okay, I've got stanky yet adorable little guy in the sink all soaped up and smelling a lil better. Keep in mind, I've kind of got him in a head lock under my arm preventing him from jumping down to the floor while I clean his little heiney, so I'm pretty much very vulnerable to anything else that might occur around me. As I'm trying to rinse his slippery little body off, I hear the screen door of my slider open up and in comes Chloe (a trick she learned early on *grumble*) leaving big, goofy, Aussie shepard paws covered in poop tracks all over the damn place. So I'm yelling at her to get her ass back outside and I start to kind of panic. My slider is wide open and bitch cat notices. She's an inside cat and normally will not go outside when a door is open. Until today. Today when I have NO TIME to chase her back in the house. Today when I have one hour to get this meeting over with and get my ass back to work because a bid is due this afternoon. Today when I have doggie bodily fluids (yes fluids) to deal with. I wrapped the towel around Nigel, run to the screen door and manage to get a foot in front of the cat before she can go out.. I slam the door shut (not on purpose) just as Chloe decides, "Okay, I'll go back outside now" so she gets crunched by the door (she's fine, it takes more than an aluminum screen door slammed on her arse to hurt her) - which, in turn, knocks the screen off the track. Somehow, I managed to grab it before it fell over and still hold onto Nigel who is dying to get down to "shake it off". Okay.. I position the screen door (one armed) against the house so bitch cat can't get out and Chloe can't nudge it open. Just as I'm taking Nigel into the laundry room to dry him off, the doorbell rings - Oh Yay! Fence guy is 10 minutes early! Perfect! I go to the door, nice fence guy is trying to introduce himself and I'm like.. "nice to meetcha, letcherself in at the gate" and slam the door in his face. I RUN to the laundry room to lock Nigel in until I can get him dry but the lil bugger gets loose from the towel and off he runs straight for the screen door - ramming right into it. Just as fence guy is walking through the gate, the screen door falls flat on my deck with a very loud CLANG. I just stood there. I didn't know what to say. I was soaked at this point, my shirt completely sticking to my rolls. My hair was wet (don't ask) and I knew damn well I smelled of doggie doo stank. Thank goodness the guy was smart enough to try and ignore my appearance and odor. He helped me round up my little "angels" to the laundry room and then he went about his business of measuring. He made it quick and left, promising to fax me a quote the next day. I went back in to dry Nig, clean Chloe's paws and get myself cleaned up before going back to work. That was the worst single hour of my life I think I've ever had. Needless to say, the rest of the week has been mostly the same.. cleaning out crate and carpet and washing dogs. The vet gave me an antibiotic to clear up his infection and some other pills to make him able to hold it. But they haven't kicked in yet. Thursday was divine.. I don't believe it was the pills but a good 24 hours of keeping the food away from him that allowed me a poop free day and a solid night of sleep. But it started back up Friday when I came home from work to another offensive odor and then last night (or shall I say this morning?) at 3 am when Chloe started barking and whining again, waking me up to more fun. Needless to say, I will have to keep Nigel's food intake to a minimum until these meds kick in. Thank God it's Saturday.. I foresee a long bubble bath and a nap in my future!