'Tis The Season

The December 2009 Daring Bakers’ challenge was brought to you by Anna of Very Small Anna and Y of Lemonpi. They chose to challenge Daring Bakers’ everywhere to bake and assemble a gingerbread house from scratch. They chose recipes from Good Housekeeping and from The Great Scandinavian Baking Book as the challenge recipes. I don't even know how to start. First I should make it clear that the following post is not meant to offend Anna or Y, our lovely hostesses this month. They had a great idea and lots of members really enjoyed themselves.. and that's terrific!! But let's face some facts here, shall we? The baking Gods already hate me with a white hot passion. I can barely dress myself, open an envelope without getting cut, or walk & chew gum at the same time. And I'm asked to erect a building made of cookie dough? The baking Gods already hate me with a white hot passion. I went into this challenge with a positive attitude despite the obvious roadblocks in my way. I was kind of excited to decorate it.. went shopping and bought all kinds of neat candies and edible items to use. I even thought I would erect a split wood fence with pretzel sticks. Cute, huh? Mmm hmm.. The first bad omen was my thumb is still pretty useless. So kneading the dough would be out of the question (and no, I can't knead with one hand - TRUST ME I need both hands to do just about anything :P ). When this happens, I call in my favorite Sous Chef, Hubbs. That morning before work, I left out all the ingredients for Y's dough recipe - with instructions for him to make the dough. When I got home that evening I opened the fridge to check the dough out and it was uhmm.. very very brown. Almost black. (bad omen No. 2) So I asked my Sous if he had run into any problems during the dough making. "Nope." was his reply. Okay, well I have only ever made ginger cookies in the past, never ginger "bread" so I thought maybe this is what it was suppose to look like.. maybe it'd lighten up after resting over night. I didn't have time to worry about it because we had grocery shopping to do. Next morning... Nope that dough stayed black and turned rock hard. I took it out to come to room temp about 10 hours before I was going to roll it out - yeah yeah, I know. I wasn't thinking clearly. I had just woken up BEFORE the crack of dawn and the habit is for me to take what I'm going to need for dinner out of the freezer each morning before work. I was awake enough to realize it was Saturday and didn't need to take anything out, but not awake enough to realize that 10 hours was probably a lil too much for dough to come to room temp. But 3 hours and two cups of coffee later when I remembered I had taken it out way too early, it was still ROCK HARD. I used a chef's knife to stab it and then pull a chunk off - and I swear to the baby Jebus, the fakkin dough had age rings inside. You know, like a tree?? Like a petrified tree of gingerbread dough?? OHMYGOD. So I brought my slab of petrified gingerbread over to my husband and presented it to him. "Are you sure nothing went wrong yesterday?" "Nope." Now something obviously went wrong - but we'll never know what. "Well f*ck" I said to myself. "I've got 3 women and 1 tween coming over in a few short hours to make gingerbread houses (plural), what the f*ck am I suppose to do now?" (bad omen no. 3) Luckily, Recipezaar came to my rescue. I needed a dough that I could make tout de suite that didn't need refrigerating. I actually found one! And it didn't sound half bad. So I immediately ran into the kitchen to get started on making the new dough felt relieved and decided it was time for a nap. DO NOT JUDGE. I'm very sleepy on Saturday mornings.. it's unfair that I get up while it's still dark outside on the weekends too. So I relish being able to go back to bed right around the time I'd normally be jumpin in the shower to go to the dungeon. It gives me pleasure. DO NOT DENY ME THAT! *crickets* Anyhoo.. yes, I went back to bed. (omen no. 4? or is this 5?) Normally my lil weekend naps last all of 2 hours.. rarely longer. Unless, of course, I'm expecting 3 women and 1 tween over to make 4 gingerbread houses + make them dinner. No, on those occasions I end up sleeping FIVE hours - after I woke up and looked at my clock, I shot outta the bed so fakkin fast that I forgot to throw the covers off first, which got tangled with my legs.. forcing me head first into the wall beside my bed. GAH. (bad omen no. fakk it, I'M DOOMED) So, 'kay.. do the math here kids. I took the original dough out 10 hours before I needed it. I checked it after 3 hours and realized it was petrified shite. I then slept for 5 hours. That equals 8 hours. Ten minus 8 equals HOLY FAH-REEG!! I'VE GOT 2 HOURS TO MAKE AND BAKE ENOUGH GINGERBREAD HOUSE PANELS FOR 4 HOUSES PLUS DINNER FOR 5 PEOPLE. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! Okay I'll spare you the cursing and then slamming things when I found out that my Sous Chef used ALL OF THE GINGER in his petrified dough and didn't feel the need to tell me WHILE WE WERE GROCERY SHOPPING. Fast forward to 5 pm'ish when the gals arrived. I had JUST finished prepping dinner and I had managed to only make enough dough for ONE house. I figured I'd make more dough while we were eating dinner, but the gals all decided that one house would be plenty. Bless their cotton socks. After dinner we immediately started to erect our house. Keep in mind, there were 4 adult women working on this - and at one point, Hubbs joined in. We started with a side panel and the front panel and lots of royal icing. My panels had turned out wonkey after they baked, but that's what the icing was for, right? The first two panels seemed to stay together pretty well.. and then we moved on to the 3rd panel.. so this one wasn't as cooperative as the first two. No big deal. We'll just use some of the frosted mini-wheats that were for our roof shingles to prop up the inside of the walls. We got it under control. We're women. Hear us roar. Jebus. While we did get all for sides of the house to stand straight up, when we put the roof on (already covered in shingles and 20 pounds of royal icing) it: 1- Made the walls start to cave in a wee bit. 2- Kept sliding off because they were too heavy. So what do 4 intelligent women do in this kind of a situation? Why, they go get the blow dryer, of course! "We need to dry this icing out so the pieces parts will stay!" someone said. Yes, we made the Beavette stand there with the blow drier until the icing set up and stuck. Unfortunately, that never happened. Someone else said, "Dudes, the 14 layers of icing below the layer we're trying to dry has to dry first." And that was it for us. We'd been working on it for about 4 hours - not one decoration on it - and we gave up. We put a box over it and then stood their and discussed who was going to decorate it. They tried to put it all on me but I wouldn't have any of that shite. They started this with me, it was their rightful duty to accompany me on this gingerbread from hell journey. June and The Beavette said they'd be back the next day to decorate.. but something came up so it was cancelled. Next day, same thing - cancelled. Finally we managed to keep Thursday open and spent 2 fun hours (no really, I had fun!) decorating the house. I got one side, June got another, and The Beavette decorated the rest. I think it turned out really cute. But I still couldn't wait for it to be out of my house. So when we were done, I packed up the remaining 90 pounds of candy for The Beavette, found a box for the house and didn't give them a choice but to take it all with them. *grin* Many many thanks to my girls: Blimey, June, The Beavette, and Amy (we need a name for Amy!) for another fun filled night together.. can't wait for the next one - but NEVER AGAIN with the gingerbread. heheee! xoxo

What's the French Word for FAILURE?

I SUCK. I am NOT a baker. I may be DARING. But screw that baker part. I'm a cook goddammit. I hate that I allowed this challenge to f*ck with my head. I over psyched myself from the beginning. I got scared. Over what??? A few egg whites, some nuts and sugar?? WHAT THE FUCK? I watched an excellent video on how to make macs about eleventy gabillion times. I read that damn forum and looked at photos for the entire month. I read and REREAD the recipe a 100 times. But nothing helped me. I was doomed from the start. The 2009 October Daring Bakers’ challenge was brought to us by Ami S. She chose macarons from Claudia Fleming’s The Last Course: The Desserts of Gramercy Tavern as the challenge recipe. Ami, you know how smitten I am with you.. always have been, so please take no offense. But uhmm... Claudia? Claudia can bite my ass. I hated that recipe.. and it hated me back with a burning white heat of a 1000 suns. I didn't even take photos of it - and ya'll KNOW how much I love to embarrass myself. It was that bad. :( Yanno, this ain't my first rodeo. I made macs years ago with my Guru! The first time she came to visit. And although she did most of the work, she taught me well - she showed me the correct way to fold. She showed me how to grind the nuts and the sugar. But, that was a long time ago, and even if she hadn't done most of the work herself, if I had done it all.. I still would have been just as lost this time. It was just too long ago. But I was inspired by ya'll. Like I am every month. I knew the exact flavors I wanted to make and I was ready to DO THIS again. On the few days I was home on vacation, I woke saying "Today I make macarons!" And I knew which recipe I wanted to try next.. but then I'd find an excuse not to torture myself and I wouldn't make them. So, obviously, yesterday was my DO OR DIE day. Actually Sunday was, but I ended up taking an improptu nap. Hey, it was the last day of my vacation - DO NOT JUDGE ME. After a chat with my sister, Veronica.. who makes the dreamiest macarons, I felt like I could not only make her recipe, but end up with 48 perfect macaron shells. It was her video that I watched over and over again, her voice I listened to.. her technique I felt I could replicate. Yeah. No. Another failure, but by far, not as epic as the first try. I know exactly where I screwed up. I knew exactly when I screwed up. It's all about the f'n "magma". I overbeat this batter. Frankly, this batter had every right to report me to the authorities and take a bed at the nearest women's shelter. Seriously. My "magma" turned out more like a slightly thick version of muddy river water in like a nano-second. Oh it flowed alright.. but nothing, including several hundred bags of sand, was going to keep this stuff in place. I decided to look upon them as if they were "multi-tasking". After I piped several circles, I watched them splooge into each other. But at that point, after I wiped away a renegade tear from my cheek and then sucked down a few glugs of a bottle of Jack Daniels we keep in the house for guests.. I turned my back on my over beaten and abused macarons. I left them to splooge and "dry" at the same time. I threw up my hands and screamed "UNCLE" (but it was more like "YOU FAH-HAUL-AKIN IZEHOLES"). I fully expected to return in 40 minutes and find one giant rectangular mac, threatening to escape the sides of the jelly-roll pan it rested on. During that 40 minutes, I pondered how this could have happened. What amazes me is how many times I sucked in that video. I knew I was going to stop beating the batter at the exact right time (Magma time!) because I had watched the video so much that surely by osmosis alone, I would know when. OHMYGOD don't even get me started on the 2nd panic attack when my nuts wouldn't grind down small enough. I was so careful! I ground, I sifted, I ground some more, I sifted some more.. and I still ended up with 107 (ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN) grams of almonds that were way too chunky. Finally, I called Veron back.. "what do I do??" I said between a hiccup and another slurp of my new best friend, Jack. She suggested I grind them in small batches in my coffee grinder. Bless her. That worked. I also ground down the Canadian Vanilla Maple tea I used to hopefully get a good maple flavor in the shells. I ground down what was already miniscule pieces parts of tea and natural and/or artifical flavors into powder, for crissakes!!! And the top of my wee coffee grinder has a hole in the plastic, so I had to keep the palm of my hand slammed down on it and regardless of how long I waited for the contents to settle back down, I still inhaled a tiny poof of powdered vanilla maple tea! That stuff could have been asbestos laden - but I took one for the team so my maple flavored macs with cream cheese and BACON filling would be THE BOMB. So as I'm replaying all of these extra steps I took to make sure my macs would come out beautifully.. it all came down to one stroke. One paddle of the pud too many. Over confidence at it's finest. I left my zen place and lost my concentration and that one extra stroke of my spatula turned all of my hard work into... muddy river water. And here is what I got for my efforts.. they've got feet alright. But barely breathe on one and you'll watch it implode. The first batch wasn't baked long enough, so they ended up being a huge mass of tissue thin crackly crust and ooey gooey innards that stuck to anything they touched. I now know what to do if I can't find the super glue when I need it. No running to the store, I'll just underbake a batch of macarons! You could build a bridge with that stuff! You'll also notice that apparently, I can pipe a perfect Thresher Shark, but cannot pipe a simple circle to save my life. The 2nd batch was a bit better.. I baked them for a few minutes longer and they popped right off the paper, but they were still really thin and the tops crack really easily.. like move your finger 1/16th of an inch over them and they crack. Oh and they don't taste of maple. Not in the slightest. They are just nutty and sweet. Just like their maker! If you can compare batshit crazy and grumpy to nutty and sweet, that is. :P So I decided to flavor the cream cheese with maple syrup instead of powdered sugar. At first taste there was no maple, but after it sat in the fridge for a while, the maple finally came through - thank the baby Jebus. I added crumbled applewood smoked bacon to the mixture, leaving some out for "garnish" - cuz we all know how fancy pants I am. Some I just lightly brushed with maple syrup and sprinkled some extra bacon on top.. some I left plain.. and some I rolled the edges in bacon. Those, I think, were my favorite. At least, that's the only one I've actually tried and AT THE VERY LEAST I was RIGHT ON with the flavor combo. The filling wasn't too sweet since the cream cheese leaves you with a nice tang. And the bacon.. well.. I dunno, kids.. roll a fresh cat turd in bacon, and call me to dinner. You just can't go wrong with crispedy bacon. So there ya have it.. another long ass story of yet another catastrophe in my kitchen. But I'm semi-happy with them, if for the taste alone. And they've got feet. God bless them, they've got feet. xoxo

Puff Schmuff

Okay.. let's just call this Oh hell I don't know what to call it. Meet my lopsided, falling over, super poofy shooting stars. Gah. I'm covered in fakking flour, I have egg wash on my pants, my lips are burning because I figured "well maybe they'll taste good" before the lil bastards cooled off, and my heart is broken. I spent two days on these vols-au-vent thingies. EEK! I forgot the important stuff during my initial ranting and raving! The September 2009 Daring Bakers' challenge was hosted by Steph of a whisk and a spoon. She chose the French treat, Vols-au-Vent based on the Puff Pastry recipe by Michel Richard from the cookbook Baking With Julia by Dorie Greenspan. Continue on with the craziness... Palmier? BAHAHAHAA! I stressed over the perfect fillings. I researched the perfect goat's cheese mousse. I squashed grapes for these things. And for what??? Notice the burnt "shooting star" on the right? EVEN I'M EMBARRASSED TO SHOW YOU PHOTOS! Me! The gal who thrives on making a total ass of herself on the internets for your reading pleasure! *sigh* The chicken salad is placed ON THE SIDE because there were no INSIDES of these lil fakkers. I had such high hopes. I still have one millimeter of a sliver of hope still.. but it's only like 1/8 inch high.. not "such high" as with the first batch. Everything was going so well.. SO WELL. I only had one tiny ooze of butter yesterday and that was on the first turn.. FIVE TURNS LATER and no oozing. I wanted to kiss my puff pastry dough because it was behaving SO WELL. Oh I had poofiness alright.. just not the centered properly. :P And then the oven. That dirty bastage. It was not nice to my first batch which was supposed to be filled with the best tasting chicken salad EVER. But there's NOTHING to fill people! I docked! Apparently not deep enough.. but who the hell knew?? I did forget the silpat on top.. but seriously? How unforgiving a recipe to mock you just because you forget the silpat after doing everything else correctly??? That puff pastry dough has some issues and it needs to see a therapist, tout de suite. And lemme tell you, that therapist will earn his/her money dealing with this dough. My oven needs to go too. Screw my oven. I keep her clean. I cook lovingly on top of her. There's NO NEED for this kind of behavior. It's like a star shaped accordion. :P I'm spent, kids. I'm. Spent. Will post horrible photos later.. if I can talk my camera into not shutting it's lense in horror. If you happen to read this before I put my 2nd batch in (which is sitting, all shaped and stacked and egg washed in the fridge WITH A SILPAT ON TOP ALREADY), say a prayer for me. Please? Baking Gods I rue the day you were given uhhh.. Baking Godness Powers. May the fleas of a 1000 camels infest your flour-y armpits! :P~~~~~~~~~~~ xoxo Okay well.. slightly tipsy, but look at that poof! And well.. it's not really bleeding.. that's a concord grape reduction. Ohh and I ended up not finding a goat's cheese mousse recipe that I liked, but I found an AWESOME goat's cheese custard recipe on David Lebovitz's site. Bless him. :D ***THIS JUST IN: 2nd batch is BEEE-U-TEEEFULLLLLLL!!!! it's all about the silpat. I'll be damned. Photos of these babies will definitely be added as soon as they are cool enough to fill. :D xoxox Okay so maybe I got a lil uhmm.. frustrated before finishing. Oopsie. *grin* I haven't tried the goat's cheese custard & Concord grape reduction filled v-au-v's yet, but hubbs said they are fabulous. I did try the world's best chicken salad in a v-au-v and it was amazing. Eating the shell, just to taste it was very salty.. but you couldn't tell that with the fillings, thank goodness. :) Thanks so much Steph! Even though I SPAZZED out, this was a great challenge and I'm glad I've now got puff pastry in my freezer! Yay! :) Now that ya'll have seen my trainwreck.. go check out the 1000's of Vols-au-Vents on the Daring Baker's Blogroll xoxo

Some Schtuff... and Shrimp Fried "Rice"

*Long Ass Ranting and Raving Post - Prepare Yourselves!* Hold on to your chairs! I don't want anyone falling off because I'm actually posting something non-Daring Kitchen-y! :D As I mentioned in my last failure to get my Daring Baker challenge done, I spent some time in the hospital last month. I'm fine now - actually I feel fantastic! But I have a long road ahead of me and frankly, I'm scared shitless. :) Without going into the gory details, and in a semi-small nutshell, I was in congestive heart failure. I was retaining water like nobody's business and it was suffocating my heart/lungs. It's been over 3 weeks and I've lost FORTY pounds in water/fluid weight. Hello? I didn't think that could be possible, but apparently it is. Jebus. So now I'm working on living a low-carb lifestyle. Which is to say, I think it would be easier to cut out oxygen in my life. Kidding? Anyhoo, I've joined Weight Watchers and so far am doing pretty well. Their online tools keep me focused and I've kind of enjoyed lurking on low-carb blogs and recipe sites. It's been quite an eye-opener to read about alternatives to white sugar and white flour. I've purchased Stevia powder, erythritol, xantham gum and coconut flour and although I about had to take a loan out to pay for these items, I am looking forward to getting back into the baking thing once in a while. I've also "met" a new friend who has been sooooooooooo helpful in giving me tips and suggestions on how to stay on track. Thanks Michele! *hugs* And if all of this wasn't enough.. yesterday I went in for a bronchoscopy to make sure my tubes were open and to take a biopsy of the lymph nodes on my lungs. It seems that they are enlarged. When they were first discovered in this state, I was told it was pretty common in pneumonia patients, so to be safe, I was scheduled for another CT-scan 3 mos. later - which was the Friday before I went into the hospital for the CHF. Unfortch, the test results showed they were more enlarged than they were before, so the next step was a biopsy. *sigh* I'm not too worried about this. I mean, I'll know for sure on Thursday - but my pulmonary doctor (who is reportedly one of the best in these parts) and the doctor that admitted me to the hospital with the CHF both feel that this isn't c-word related. So I'm very optimistic. :) But I can't just let it go at that.. I must vent on how this bronchoscopy went down yesterday. I was told numerous times that I'd be put out and wouldn't feel anything or remember anything. This was very important to me. I can deal with pain, that wasn't my concern. My concern was my delightful gag reflex. It's horrible. Touch the tip of my tongue and I start to gag sometimes. It's quite sensitive and highly embarrassing when I'm at the dentist. Boo. So this "twilight sleep" they were going to put me under was suppose to just keep me slightly conscious so that my gag reflex would work, as I guess that's important when they shove a 50 foot hose down your throat. But I won't feel a thing! I won't remember anything that happened afterwards! BULLSHIT. I felt every fucking thing and I remember most of it. Bastards. I had two nurses, both under 5' 2" and 110 pounds. One of them comes at me with these 2 lil cups of "numbing medicine" so I won't feel the scope. "Uhh.. why do I need numbing medicine if I'll be out??" She stammered some and then said, "It helps the scope go down." :Uhh.. okay?" So I gargle with this stuff that tastes like bleach and lay back down. Then the doc comes in and asks if I've got any questions.. you'd think that I might have said.. "Dude, WTF is up with the numbing medicine if I'm going to be put the fuck out??" But noooo.. I just looked up into Ohio's version of McDreamy and smiled pretty and nodded my head. Gah. Then I hear tiny nurse no. 1 ask how much medication should she give me.. and he gives her 2 numbers.. there are 2 meds they mix together.. a highly potent narcotic for pain and for putting me into that "twilight" state and another medicine that will help me not to remember anything (I think?).. and then I heard him give her the two numbers. But then tiny nurse no. 2 says, "Are you sure? She'll need at least 120 to 140" and he then said, "Okay, 120 but that's it" and tiny nurse no. 2 says, "That's not going to be enough." and he said, "Shhhh." Again, at this point, wouldn't you sit up and say "Dude, I agree with tiny nurse no. 2, 120 isn't enough GIMME MORE GODDAMMIT" But.. nooooooo.. I don't say one fakking word. Now granted, I do not feel or remember him actually putting the cable in. But I DO feel and I DO remember him pushing it past my vocal cords and I DO remember just about shooting 10 feet up in the air when I felt that. I remember trying to say, "THIS HURTS" but I had some kind of plug thing in my mouth that prevented me from biting down on the cable, so it came out more like "cough - cough - gaggggg - cough - cough - OOD! GAHAMMIT!!!" Well that must have pissed off the tiny nurses, because the next thing I know, I've got one on each side gripping my lower JAWFUCKINGBONE and pulling down on it with all of their weight. I wanted to so give them both the evil "curses" eye but they had a towel over my face. How rude is that? The rest of it went pretty quickly, I'd say the bulk of time during this test is the actual prep and the nurses trying to figure out how to get the computer to work before 'he' gets there "or 'he' will be pissed.". I didn't feel the actual biopsy being taken, thank the baby Jebus. I am also proud to say that I did not projectile vomit at any point of the procedure. All in all, it wasn't THAT horribly bad.. but it wasn't THAT horribly good either. When it was finished, my friend Cindy (who got to babysit me all day, bless her cotton socks) came in and I could hear him talking to her and then she appeared at my side and the first thing I said was, "they lied to me." and she asked how and I said, "I FELT IT" and tiny nurse no. 1 said, "you did great!" and I'm like, "I'm so Delvecchio cursing you as soon as I can get this death grip off the bed rail." She laughed. Obviously, she has no idea how powerful the Delvecchio curse is. tisk tisk for her. Recovery was quick, after all I wasn't put to sleep AS PROMISED, so I came outta the fog after 15 min. or so and was allowed to leave. Next stop was a frosty beverage to cool the burning pipes and then back to my house, where we sat and laughed over the whole thing, then we put a movie in and I FINALLY passed out. Always a day late and a dollar short. Today the mild sore throat is gone, but I'm sporting a rather large face and neck. My cheeks are swollen as if I've been foraging for nuts and my neck is swollen quite like what a bullfrog looks like when he's offering his mating call to the sexy frogette on the next lily pad. That's hott. So what lessons have I learned from this experience? NEVER trust 2 tiny nurses and ALWAYS wear barbed wire around your neck when going in for a bronchoscopy, so they can't get to your jaw bone. Also? McDreamy or not.. always be prepared to administer the Delvecchio curse and DO NOT get lost in his sexy brown eyes, for he and his minions can be evil. Oh and I did find out why I couldn't be put under completely (had to do with low blood-ox levels).. and I understand that.. but maybe a lil heads up would have been nice? :P So anyhoo.. I've vented and I feel better. Back to the low-carb goodies! I found this recipe on a new blog for me. It's Healthy Indulgences written by Lauren. Lauren has taken so many high carb/high fat/high caloric dessert recipes and turned them into delicious looking low carb/low fat/lower caloric desserts that have just astounded me. So much so that I went and bought those alternative natural sugars and flours that I mentioned above. No more white sugar or regular all purpose flour for me! But I am not ready, quite yet (soon though.. very soon! hee!), to bake a dessert. I want to stay with my fruits and sugar free pudding for a bit longer. So when I found this vegetable recipe that was suppose to taste just like shrimp fried rice, I couldn't resist! And seriously, this stuff rocks. I'm not just saying it to make myself believe that CAULIFLOWER can taste like rice - it can! Actually it was better than the last batch of carry-out fried rice we had. It was super easy and super quick to put together and it's definitely going to stay on rotation often. Give it a whirl! Recipe is below with my minor changes, basically out of necessity than anything else. Thanks so much, Lauren! I'm looking forward to this being the first of many recipes from your blog that I will be enjoying in the future - guilt free! :)       Shrimp Fried "Rice" Adapted from this recipe by Lauren at Healthy Indulgences Makes 3 servings Ingredients: 2 heapings cups of grated fresh cauliflower 2 tablespoons coconut oil (any cooking oil is fine) - I used EVOO 1/2 cup sugar snap pea pods - I omitted these and used diced zucchini instead 1/3 cup onion, chopped 4 tablespoons wheat-free tamari or soy sauce - I used low-sodium soy sauce 1/4 teaspoon sesame oil 1/2 teaspoon sea salt dash of garlic powder 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper 1-4 oz can of baby shrimp, or protein of choice 1/4 cup of green peas - I upped the amount to 1/2 c. since we like peas 1 cup of sliced baby portobello mushrooms since I needed to use them up! Not in original recipe 2 eggs, beaten green onion, for garnish (optional) Preparation: Grate cauliflower using a fine cheese grater. Heat up pan with 1 tablespoon of coconut oil. Mix together sesame oil, tamari, and seasonings in a bowl. Sautee onions (I also threw in the zucchini & mushrooms at this stage) for 3 minutes (I went for about 5 minutes to give the zucchini & mushrooms good coloring) over medium heat, or until translucent. Remove from pan and set aside. Sauté sugar snap peas until tender. Add more oil if necessary and all of the cauliflower, stir frying for a couple of minutes. Pour in 1/2 of the soy sauce mixture and stir fry to coat the cauliflower evenly. When the cauliflower is tender (this didn't take long at all.. maybe 4-5 min.), add cooked vegetables, shrimp, and peas along with the rest of the soy sauce mixture. Push "rice" to the side of the pan and scramble eggs on the other side, moving spatula quickly to incorporate eggs with the "rice" mixture. 7 grams net carbs xoxo

An Infamous Cheesecake Indeed...

***I wrote this last night and figured I'd post today once I took some photos of the the 2 new varieties I made yesterday, but with the way my day is already started, who the heck knows when I'll get home to take photos - so I'm posting right now and ya'll just have to come back again to see the CAKE FROM HELL and the 2 new varieties. MUAHAHAHAHAA!*** Yesterday, I made a cheesecake. It was going to be a GLORIOUS cheesecake. One to be envied from every inhabitant of Cheesecake Land. I thought about this cake for a MONTH before even shopping for ingredients. I made LISTS people. I might have even sketched the cake it all of its MAGNIFICENCE. What a true beauty she would be. I was so proud of what I hadn't even started yet. I was PSYCHED. I was watching what the other members were showing off on our private forums and I was left breathless each time.. the creativity of their cakes was AWESOME. But still.. I kinda chuckled to myself thinking "Wait until they see MINE. They're gonna CRAP." Oh yeah, full to the gills with cockiness I was. MUAHAHAHAA! And in true Lisa form.. Allow me to present to you - the first Official Kitchen Disaster of 2009. *sigh* Oops.. first.. gotta take care of bidnezz. ;) The April 2009 challenge is hosted by Jenny from Jenny Bakes. She has chosen Abbey's Infamous Cheesecake as the challenge. Okay disaster or not - this is now my go-to cheesecake recipe. I've never had such a creamy cheesecake.. to die for, kids.. simply to die for. I said this before and I'll say it again.. HUGE pat on the back for Abbey for tweaking this recipe until she found cheesecake perfection.. and an equally HUGE hug for Jenny for bringing us this recipe. Bless both of yas cotton socks. ;) So there.. there you go - now it's documented, stamped, triplicated and carved in granite - LISA screwed this recipe up. LISA managed to take the perfect cheesecake recipe and totally noobed it right into the circular file cabinet. LISA is a cheesecake MURDERER. My favorite commercially made ice cream is Haagen Dazs Caramel Cone. You've got your sinfully rich caramel ice cream.. you've got a salty caramel ribbon running through it.. you've got chocolate covered sugar cone pieces throughout.. it's so good I could just BATHE in it. As a matter of fact, when the day comes that I stop breathing.. I'd like to be buried, completely submerged, in Caramel Cone ice cream. HEY YOU PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN MY NECK OF THE WOODS.. DON'T YOU DARE! GO BUY THIS ICE CREAM. IF I GO TO BUY IT AND IT'S SOLD OUT I WILL HUNT! YOU! DOWN! AND! BEAT! YOU! ABOUT! THE! HEAD! AND! SHOULDERS! WITH! MY! HUSBAND'S! DIRTY! TUBE! SOCKS! ***crickets*** So yeah.. what was I saying? RIGHT! I wanted to recreate my favorite ice cream flavor into a cheesecake. Caramel cheesecake, with a salted caramel ribbon running through it.. but instead of the chocolate covered sugar cones throughout, I thought they'd make a smashing presentation by crushing them up to wee lil pieces and then sticking them to the outside of the entire cake. Maybe even bring it up as a ring around the very top of the cake to use as a "dam" for a salted caramel "pool" on top. ARE YOU FUCKING DYING WITH THE ENVY YET??? Are ya'll writing this down?? Can you even imagine a more STUPENDOUS cheesecake EVER?? OHMYGOD. Figuring out how to make a caramel cheesecake was easy.. sub brown sugar for the white sugar the recipe called for. Easy. But if you're LISA you can't settle for easy so you start the Googling. And you read 1 (ONE) recipe that used DARK brown sugar and the author of the recipe said it was even more caramel-y than using light brown sugar so you are like.. OHYES! I WILL use DARK brown sugar for a more caramel-y cheesecake flavor! SQUEEEEEE! And you even tell a friend what you are going to and the friend will write back in a very supportive and just as excited way and say that the cheesecake will taste like "salted molasses" and she even DROOLED. And all I comprehended was the DROOL and how excited she was for my soon-to-be TRIUMPHANT cheesecake!!!! Salted molasses? One word. Eww. Unfortch for me, that I didn't figure out that lil gem until after my cake was baked. But even before that!! I had to make a caramel ribbon, right?? I had tried once before a long time ago, by using a very thick caramel sauce - but it baked into the cake and gave it a nice caramel flavor, but didn't give me the liquidy/fluidy ribbon I was hoping for. So my lovely friend suggested maybe making a batch of soft caramel.. rolling it into a rope and then arranging it over half the batter, topping with the rest of the batter and then another rope on top of that.. surely the caramel will cook and get melty and form a ribbon. And I'm sure she is right, but this batter is extremely thin, so there's no way it would have held the weight of the caramel rope, they just would have sank to the bottom. :( I got to Googling again.. and my search parameters brought up a commercial cheesecake store in Wyoming (I think?) who had described one of their cheesecakes with a caramel ribbon running through it.. but when I realized it was a site to BUY their cakes and not a site for recipes, I back buttoned to see what else the Googling brought to me.. it was slim fuckin' pickins, lemme tell ya. So in my DESPERATION, I went back to the cheesecake sellin' site and found their contact page and PLEADED with them to tell me the secret to getting a ribbon of caramel throughout a cheesecake. I PLEADED. I'm sure when they read it they thought I had gone batshit crazy to be asking them instead of PLACING AN ORDER like every SANE person would be doing with that contact form. (they never did write me back.. imagine.) I said screw it. We don't need no stinkin caramel ribbon. Instead I will make a rich, luxurious, salted caramel sauce. And I shall spoon that sweet/salty nectar over the crust of my cheesecake and then I will put that pool of pure heaven on the top of my cake and I will still get the flavors of my beloved ice cream. (Do you think I chucked this idea after I made the caramel sauce using golden syrup (following the recipe from November's Golden Caramels) that might have been bad because the caramel sauce had a chemically ass-like taste to it? Read on, naive people.. read on...) Well OF COURSE the caramel sauce baked into the crust!! OF COURSE IT DID. Because that's what fakkin happens. It's SENSIBLE. LOGICAL. RESPONSIBLE. PRACTICAL. And the baking Gods wouldn't be JOYFULLY. PLAYFULLY. WATCHING ME. Nor would they be laughing and pointing at me. Fuckers. And finally.. my genius idea of the chocolate covered sugar cone bits hugging my DELICIOUS cheesecake did not work out either. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I thought I was making a wise decision by going to a very popular chain ice cream store and purchasing their chocolate covered wafer cones. They were cheap, and it would be more convenient than buying a box of regular sugar cones and dipping them in chocolate myself, right? Wrong. Wafer cones, apparently, are way different from sugar cones. And anyone with ONE eye would know this. They obviously don't even look the same. But this did not stop Lisa. Oh hells no. I bought several of those wafer cones and didn't even taste one until after the cake was ready for them.. They were hideous. Gaggable. They were wrong. First the cone was so fake vanilla tasting that I did gag. I really am not a vanilla fan.. lil vanilla here and there I'm okay with.. permeated through whatever a wafer cone is made of is just wrong. And the chocolate the cone is dipped in? Not chocolate, my friends. Oh noooo.. it's that chocolate flavored substance that leaves a waxy mouth feel if you eat it. My guess is they also use this substance as some kind of water-proofing mastic for basements and rooftops. Shame on you Popular Ice Cream Chain! Shame on you for cutting corners on your wafer cones! I have never ate your ice cream and I will NEVER eat your ice cream now. SHAME ON YOU! And also, I'd like my $4.35 back please. So said wafer cones hit the garbage can tout de suite. But I still needed something for the "dam" damnit. After checking out cupboards and pantries.. nothing jumped out at me, so I grabbed more graham crackers.. crushed 'em up and made a ring around the top of the cake, then half-assed spreading them on the outside edges just because I had so much left. I then poured the noxious caramel sauce on top. And then I watched the noxious caramel sauce break through the graham cracker dam and slide down the side of the cake, over the edge of the plate an onto my counter top. I just about imploded at that point. I picked up the plate, used my finger to wipe off as much of the sauce as I could, then just FLINGING it in the direction of my sink because I DIDN'T CARE ANYMORE and threw the fuckin' thing in the fridge. Even after all of this, I had hoped that the flavors would meld and mellow out after a long chill. Yeah no.. that didn't happen either. The one and only TRUE THING that I did WRONG with this cake is to NOT look at it and scream "YOU ARE NOT A MILLION DOLLARS" because for everything I thought was right about the cake, was so pitifully wrong that SURELY had I screamed those words it would have magically turned into a huge fucking pile of $100 bills. GOOD DAY PEOPLE. GOOD DAY. xoxo I made a boatload of mini's.. the first one is for Hubbs.. plain with a simple blueberry & orange compote on top (fakker wouldn't thicken for me like it usually does) And for moi! Orange cheesecake with a seriously thick layer of semi-sweet chocolate poured over it. *slurp* xoxo

Betty Please, Pick Up Your Crackers!

Holy cow.. it's another Daring Bakers challenge post! Firstly, a huge huge THANK YOU! and WELL DONE! to our lovely hosts, Natalie of Gluten A Go Go and Shel of Musings From The Fishbowl. As you might tell from Natalie's blog title, she bakes gluten free and Shel bakes vegan - so this month we all had the opportunity to step outside our comfort zones and do the same if we wished. This was not mandatory, as us regular old wheat flour and butter lovin' people could bake this recipe without taking a walk on the wild gluten-free side. BUT we did have to come up with a vegan dip or spread to slather our crackers in as a bonus challenge.. which was very cool as well! There was so much we could do to personalize our crackers/dips and still stick to the recipe as written. I heart that. :) But I can't say I was much of a Daring baker this month as I did end up choosing to play it safe and made the Lavash Crackers with your every day bread flour. Then again.. any day I'm in the kitchen baking - it's always ALWAYS a DARING experience. First off let me say.. I need kneading lessons. Big time. I do not know the proper way to knead so I have no idea if I was doing good or doing really bad. The crackers turned out tasty, but I haven't the faintest if they turned out "Lavash" or not.. course even if I did know how to knead, I wouldn't know if my crackers turned out like they should as I've never had a Lavash cracker before a week ago! Go me! The rolling of the dough was like a dream.. I suck at rolling too.. I couldn't roll out dough in a circle, square or rectangle to save my life. Even if I shape the shit first! Which I did - into a rectangle! But the minute I started rolling it started to look like fakkin' Sicily. Yanno.. boot shaped?? Jebus. So the "diamonds" I had intended to cut were uhh.. leaning and unsightly. Gah. I rolled the dough super thin - you could see the counter top in areas underneath.. but they still poofed up a bit in the oven. So the center of the sheet of crackers was a bit chewy and the edges were hard. I didn't really get much of a cracker feel. Although we did find a few that were crisp. But all of it was very tasty - even considering I went all Plain Jane and just sprinkled some Maldon sea salt on top. :) For my bonus vegan challenge, well.. I used this opportunity to do a test run in the making of homemade jam. You see, I've decided that not only will I be catering my own wedding reception with the help of my friends, but I'm also going to make my own wedding favors.. jam. Everyone will receive a wee jar of jam and a wee bag of shortbread cookies to go with. Actually that's pretty laughable considering how much I tend to set things afire. Uhh.. I might have to put the Creampuff in charge of the shortbread. :P Anyhoo.. the jam. I went with a small recipe for peach jam. Basically peaches, sugar and lemon juice and that's it. The recipe said to only cook for approximately 25 to 30 minutes but at that point I still had syrup with chunks of half hard peaches in it. I ended up cooking the jam for well over an hour. The nice thing about it was that I could stir every few minutes and not worry about the peaches sticking to the pan. Until... About 5 minutes before that jam was done.. I turned my back on it for FIFTEEN SECONDS - TOPS! - and that mother hummer burnt on me. I swear, I turned my back to wring out the towel, turned right back and continued stirring, but all my peaches were stuck to the bottom and had turned a most appetizing shade of puke brown. Fakkers. While this was happening, my 2nd sheet of crackers was in the oven. Mmm hmmm.. anyone care to guess where this is going? To hell. That's where it's going, gone and went. Burnt my 2nd sheet to a rock hard brown. It was at this point that I started to laugh.. once again that familiar zing that starts deep down in my tummy and travels up until my cheeks burn a bright red and I question my sanity in thinking that I can bake. :P What got me giggling was this reminded me of two of my most favorite women on the face of this planet - Laverne DeFazio and Shirley Feeney. You know.. "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight! Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!" Ya'll remember the diner episode? Lenny inherits his uncle Lazlo's diner and Laverne & Shirley end up working in it - Laverne was the short order cook and Shirley was the waitress.. fakkin hysterical. Laverne calls Shirley "Betty" the whole episode and all you keep hearing over the PA system is Laverne saying "Betty Please.. Pick Up" At first it's going well and then they get really busy and both are lookin' a little worn, to say the least - Laverne's cooking is starting to look scary and at one point there is a table of biker chicks demanding their hashbrowns.. of course Laverne burns them and the next thing you hear is, "Betty Please.. Pick up your.. hashblacks." BAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! I am so Laverne! Okay well you hadda be there.. but that's what popped into my mind when I saw my burnt crackers and burnt peach jam. It was classic. :) Well to sum up the whole experience - the first batch of crackers were edible and tasty, but not very cracker like. The jam didn't look like peach jam, but there was no burnt taste to it so if you closed our eyes you'd know you were eating peach jam. heee! The two together were excellent because of the salty bread/cracker and the sweet fruit jam. And I learned more very valuable lessons - do not even breathe during the last 5 to 10 minutes of cooking your jam.. just stand there and stir. And do not attempt to bake crackers (or anything for that matter) while making jam. :P Thanks for another fabulous challenge, gals! I never ever would have made crackers at home if it weren't for The Daring Bakers! You can make them too! Just go to Gluten A Go Go and Musings From The Fishbowl for the recipe - both the original and the gluten free recipes. :) xoxo

Garlic Knots with Girth

I had a play-date this past Sunday.. It was with a bunch of my best baking friends, also known as the Bakeanistas. Which is funny all by itself.. we’ve been dubbed the Bakeanistas as if we’re some kind of group or club, but it’s not like that – we’re just a bunch of friends who like to hang out on Skype and bake while gossiping, chatting and pretty much making asses of ourselves. Good times.. good times.. This round of baking was all about garlic knots and gutter minds. And interesting combination, don’t you think? This month’s gang was made up of moi, Sara, Mary, John, Marce, Chris, Helene, Kelly and Tanna. Unfortunately, Ivonne, Laura, Ben, and Stephanie couldn’t join us.. and they were missed. But the rest of these ladies.. holy schnikeys, kids.. what a bunch of dirty birds! Why, I was simply shocked and appalled by their behavior! My virgin ears and eyes will NEVER be the same! Jebus, I look over there and there’s one of ‘em talking about the wine (at 10 in the morning) and the girth of the wine pourer! Over here is another one talking about the girth of the boy toy! Right in front of me there is yet another one spouting off about house hold chores performed by their hubby and how she’s going to feel the girth when she pays back the favor.. I mean.. MYGOD. Buncha hussies, I tell ya. And then there’s me.. sitting there just watching it all, my jaw firmly placed in my lap.. my eyes as big as saucers.. silently praying for my mommy.. it was just shocking. SHOCKING. Well as politely as I could, I excused myself from the group to make the dough for my garlic knots. Mary, our resident bread guru, found another yummy recipe from the fine folks at King Arthur Flour - this time it was Soft Garlic Knots. Although they looked extremely yummable, as we were talking about them, I mentioned that there is an absolutely HORRIBLE little Italian restaurant here in town where the food SUCKS but their garlic knots are TO DIE FOR. How they could strike pure gold with these lil garlicky knots of crispy and soft dough baked to perfection and then strike out so horribly with the rest of their menu, I have no idea.. but that's neither here nor there.. what matters is, while describing them to Mary, she recalled a recipe that she thought would be almost identical to the restaurant's knots.. so I decided to forego KA this time, and go with Bon Appetit's (Saveur) Butterhorn recipe. Everything went really well.. and my dough more than doubled in volume on that first rise.. I punched it down and gave it a few turns, then let it rise again.. then it was time to shape dough balls into knots and although they were very lovely in their poofiness, even though I couldn’t get them to brown – wondering if I should have given them an egg wash before baking? Unfortunately they were nothing like the restaurant’s garlic knots. For what they were though, they were okay. I wasn’t a big fan of the texture.. kinda biscuit-y.. I’m not a biscuit fan, obviously. But Hubbs loved them so they sure won’t go to waste! Believe it or not.. that's a baked knot (slathered in garlic butter) :P The rest of the baking session went from bad to worse.. so being the good and prim lady that I am, I excused myself for the rest of the day as I had my sister coming over for birthday dinner and I wanted to be able to function rather than have my brain rot out from reading their filthiness.. I just thank the baby Jebus that I don’t act the way they do.. sheesh. Okay so maybe this post hasn’t been exactly fair to my cohorts of the kitchen.. my friends.. perhaps I’ve been a little harsh in my reaction to their online shenanigans. But.. well.. they insulted me! Can you believe that?? I’m deeply hurt over what happened and maybe I’ve let that pollute this post.. Dear Readers? (I’m so Stephen King) You help me decide, okay? I sent them all a few lovely photos the next evening.. tasteful photos, I might add. One of which was one of my wedding photos. They all LAUGHED! Now seriously, can you understand why I might be a little miffed? *sniff* Here.. take a look for yourselves.. What?? What THE HELL is so fakkin funny?????? Screw this. I’m going to go find comfort in my Becks’ arms.. he always seems to make me feel better. Whatev. xoxo

Public Service Announcement...

This has nothing to do with cooking light.. this has has nothing to do with food at all, BUT... Okay ... if the urge ever strikes you to see The Happening with Mark Wahlberg.. find yourself a buzzin' bee hive.. then stick your hand in it and grab some bees.. don't worry about the stinging, the pain will go away eventually.. next, take that handful of live bees and start eating them. Truly, your experience will be much more pleasant that sitting through that gawd awful fucking movie. I feel like writing Wahlberg and demanding my $6.25 back (personally delivered to me wearing nothing but his Calvins, of course) M. Night Shyamalang-a-ding-dong needs to hang it up. OHMYGOD I am TRAUMATIZED. I have seen many a bad movie.. but this one takes the cake. To put it into perspective - The Happening is WORSE than THE VILLAGE. *hold me* xoxo