Garlic Knots with Girth

I had a play-date this past Sunday.. It was with a bunch of my best baking friends, also known as the Bakeanistas. Which is funny all by itself.. we’ve been dubbed the Bakeanistas as if we’re some kind of group or club, but it’s not like that – we’re just a bunch of friends who like to hang out on Skype and bake while gossiping, chatting and pretty much making asses of ourselves. Good times.. good times.. This round of baking was all about garlic knots and gutter minds. And interesting combination, don’t you think? This month’s gang was made up of moi, Sara, Mary, John, Marce, Chris, Helene, Kelly and Tanna. Unfortunately, Ivonne, Laura, Ben, and Stephanie couldn’t join us.. and they were missed. But the rest of these ladies.. holy schnikeys, kids.. what a bunch of dirty birds! Why, I was simply shocked and appalled by their behavior! My virgin ears and eyes will NEVER be the same! Jebus, I look over there and there’s one of ‘em talking about the wine (at 10 in the morning) and the girth of the wine pourer! Over here is another one talking about the girth of the boy toy! Right in front of me there is yet another one spouting off about house hold chores performed by their hubby and how she’s going to feel the girth when she pays back the favor.. I mean.. MYGOD. Buncha hussies, I tell ya. And then there’s me.. sitting there just watching it all, my jaw firmly placed in my lap.. my eyes as big as saucers.. silently praying for my mommy.. it was just shocking. SHOCKING. Well as politely as I could, I excused myself from the group to make the dough for my garlic knots. Mary, our resident bread guru, found another yummy recipe from the fine folks at King Arthur Flour - this time it was Soft Garlic Knots. Although they looked extremely yummable, as we were talking about them, I mentioned that there is an absolutely HORRIBLE little Italian restaurant here in town where the food SUCKS but their garlic knots are TO DIE FOR. How they could strike pure gold with these lil garlicky knots of crispy and soft dough baked to perfection and then strike out so horribly with the rest of their menu, I have no idea.. but that's neither here nor there.. what matters is, while describing them to Mary, she recalled a recipe that she thought would be almost identical to the restaurant's knots.. so I decided to forego KA this time, and go with Bon Appetit's (Saveur) Butterhorn recipe. Everything went really well.. and my dough more than doubled in volume on that first rise.. I punched it down and gave it a few turns, then let it rise again.. then it was time to shape dough balls into knots and although they were very lovely in their poofiness, even though I couldn’t get them to brown – wondering if I should have given them an egg wash before baking? Unfortunately they were nothing like the restaurant’s garlic knots. For what they were though, they were okay. I wasn’t a big fan of the texture.. kinda biscuit-y.. I’m not a biscuit fan, obviously. But Hubbs loved them so they sure won’t go to waste! Believe it or not.. that's a baked knot (slathered in garlic butter) :P The rest of the baking session went from bad to worse.. so being the good and prim lady that I am, I excused myself for the rest of the day as I had my sister coming over for birthday dinner and I wanted to be able to function rather than have my brain rot out from reading their filthiness.. I just thank the baby Jebus that I don’t act the way they do.. sheesh. Okay so maybe this post hasn’t been exactly fair to my cohorts of the kitchen.. my friends.. perhaps I’ve been a little harsh in my reaction to their online shenanigans. But.. well.. they insulted me! Can you believe that?? I’m deeply hurt over what happened and maybe I’ve let that pollute this post.. Dear Readers? (I’m so Stephen King) You help me decide, okay? I sent them all a few lovely photos the next evening.. tasteful photos, I might add. One of which was one of my wedding photos. They all LAUGHED! Now seriously, can you understand why I might be a little miffed? *sniff* Here.. take a look for yourselves.. What?? What THE HELL is so fakkin funny?????? Screw this. I’m going to go find comfort in my Becks’ arms.. he always seems to make me feel better. Whatev. xoxo

What Happens When a Bakeanista Crosses a Geoduck and a Flaccid uhh..

penis? Well she gets the best damn cheesy bread she's ever had.. YES you heard me, PANERA. It blows your Asiago bread right outta the water! Last weekend, in between our monthly trip to the West Side Market and Trader Joe's, plus a jaunt to the local greenhouse for the biggest basket of purple & white petunias we could find for Mommie's Day.. was a late blooming starter, lots of flour and even more CHEESE. The newly named "Bakeanistas" got together again for a day of baking and chit chatting on Skype. Wondering who the Bakeanistas are? Just a fantabulous group of sexy women including Mary, Sara, Ivonne, Helene, Laura Rebecca, Kelly and Stephanie - oh and me! Wondering what cheesy bread it was that we baked? Check out this step by step tutorial for Gruyère-Stuffed Crusty Loaves and the recipe can be found here. Knowing full well that this recipe called for a starter that was to be made the night before, I sent out a call for help from my other Bakeanista sisters - "SOMEONE PLEASE REMIND ME TO MAKE MY STARTER ON FRIDAY NIGHT!!" I knew damn well that without a reminder, I'd completely forget to make it. And because these ladies are AWESOME, I received, not one but TWO reminders on Friday to make my starter that night. PHEW! Thank goodness for reminders! Have I ever told ya'll about the two month period last year that I left Nigel at home on his grooming days? If I did tell ya'll that story - do you remember how I stuck post-it notes on the front door, the door to the kennel that Nigel and his sister, Chloe, sleep in during the mornings AND the post-it I stuck on the inside of my car windshield? Okay well, admittedly, I didn't stick the post it on the windshield until the 2nd month, since I had forgotten him the prior month. And do ya'll remember how I got 3/4's of the way to work when I realized that my goreous son was still sitting at home wondering WTF? Mmm hmm.. I woke up Saturday morning - BAKING MORNING - like I normally do (at the butt-crack of dawn), made my coffee, let the kids out for their morning constitutional, filled up assorted doggie and kitty food & water bowls, sat down at the PC with lists upon lists of things that needed to be taken care of.. and promptly blowing said lists off so I could read new email.. when at six bells this shudder of terror crept down my spine. HOLY SHIT I FORGOT TO MAKE THE STARTER LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, and Hail Mary, I knew I couldn't start baking until later than the rest of the gals because of the monthly grocery shopping extravaganza. So I bound down the hallway, bouncing off walls, to the kitchen and slapped that shite together. I noticed how dry it was and was kinda taken aback, as every starter I've had to make (hehe every.. like I've made TWO now and one of those died a horrible death that I try not to think about) has been spongy and wet. But oh well.. no time to dwell! I put her in a warm place and went about my usual morning routine and then left for shopping with Hubbs. I didn't get to participate in much chit chat this month, which was a bummer because I missed all talk of vajayjays, exploding mammories and other unsavory topics that usually trip my trigger. Dammit. So in between TJ's and the greenhouse, we stopped home to unload the car and I made the dough. Left it to rise while we visited my mommie and when I got home I rolled it out and filled it with cheese, then rolled it up into a considerably long log. Another hour or so later, I cut the log up into 4 "mini" loaves (so not mini!) and pulled apart the outer layers so the cheesy goodness would have plenty of room to bubble up and out like the most delicious lava from a volcano I've ever seen. Into the oven they went and back to the office I went to chat with Kelly and Mary for a bit.. I was also doing something else, but I can't recall what it was at this moment. Regardless of what it was, it wasn't too long after my cheesy volcanos went into the oven that I started to smell an all too familiar scent when I'm baking bread.. smoke. Dear sweet jebus the smoke alarm went off next. Gah. I ran to the kitchen to find puffs of billowy black smoke emerging from the back of my oven - WHAT THE FUCK, BAKING GODS??? CAN YOU GIVE ME A BREAK JUST ONCE???? I took the loaves out and was more than alarmed to see that they had morphed into what can only be explained as a cross between a geoduck and a man's flaccid hoo-haw. I KID YOU NOT, kids. The Baking Gods were having another belly bustin laugh spree at my expense ONCE AGAIN. Helene's vajayjay-looking bread had nothing on these pornographic sea monsters. Oh hells no. I ran back down the hallway in a frightened panic (you always know when I've been baking - that frightened panic takes over) and pounded out the words on my keyboard to Mary.. "OHMYGOD THERE'S SMOKE EVERYWHERE AND MY BREAD LOOKS LIKES LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF DEBBIE DOES DALLAS - HELP!!!" Mary calmly asked how high my oven was (425º as per instructions) and then recalled that I had a hot spot in my oven from when she was here back in October of 2007 - so she advised me to turn down the oven to 375º, and put them back in. They might take longer to bake, but at least they'd stop smoking. And the funny thing was.. the loaves, other than their embarrassing appearance, weren't burning.. nor was the cheese erupting from them like.. well.. GAH we will not discuss what the oozing cheese looked like - but the oven itself was smoking. So I did as she said and by the time I got back to the office, she and Kelly and I think Helene was there at that point, came up with a couple conclusions.. I had sprayed cooking spray on the parchment paper (no, didn't do that) - my oven was smoking because it might have just been cleaned and the heat was causing the residual cleaner to smoke (BINGO!). These gals are so smuckin' fart! :D Hubbs had cleaned the oven out with soap and water a couple days before and it looked as if a lil soap residue was still there. PHEW. The rest of the baking process went beautifully - it did take an extra 10 minutes for them to bake through, but I was rewarded with the most AWESOME tasting cheesy bread that I've ever had. The outside had just the right crispiness, the inside was soft and gooey and the flavor.. ohhhh the flavor! Gruyère is the BEST cheese to bake with, in my humble opinion. This is one of those recipes that I can not recommend enough. The dough was a snap to make and very easy to work with.. not sticky at all and it rolled out beautifully. Now it might not be the prettiest loaf of cheesy bread ever, but that just adds to the rustic charm of it. We (and by "we" I mean ME) inhaled the first loaf that afternoon.. I shared the 2nd loaf with him the following day and froze the other two.. they did not last longer than a week as I just toasted up the last of it this past Monday. My only advice to you would be to either double - nay triple - this recipe so you've got plenty in the freezer to get you through until next cheesy bread baking day. ;) Thanks so much to my sexy bread bakin' mamas - I can't wait for the next Bakeanistas adventure! Love you all SO MUCH! :) xoxo PS - Sorry that my post is a couple days late.. but the good news is I can sit for almost an hour now without having to request help to get outta my chair! hahahaa! Fakkin' sciatica. Gah. xoxo