Malto Mario


The Lady & Sons

1,000 Italian Recipes

Sunday, May 18, 2008

What Happens When a Bakeanista Crosses a Geoduck and a Flaccid uhh..


Well she gets the best damn cheesy bread she's ever had.. YES you heard me, PANERA. It blows your Asiago bread right outta the water!

Crusty Gruyere Stuffed Bread

Last weekend, in between our monthly trip to the West Side Market and Trader Joe's, plus a jaunt to the local greenhouse for the biggest basket of purple & white petunias we could find for Mommie's Day.. was a late blooming starter, lots of flour and even more CHEESE.

The newly named "Bakeanistas" got together again for a day of baking and chit chatting on Skype. Wondering who the Bakeanistas are? Just a fantabulous group of sexy women including Mary, Sara, Ivonne, Helene, Laura Rebecca, Kelly and Stephanie - oh and me!

Wondering what cheesy bread it was that we baked? Check out this step by step tutorial for Gruyère-Stuffed Crusty Loaves and the recipe can be found here.

Knowing full well that this recipe called for a starter that was to be made the night before, I sent out a call for help from my other Bakeanista sisters - "SOMEONE PLEASE REMIND ME TO MAKE MY STARTER ON FRIDAY NIGHT!!" I knew damn well that without a reminder, I'd completely forget to make it. And because these ladies are AWESOME, I received, not one but TWO reminders on Friday to make my starter that night. PHEW! Thank goodness for reminders!

Have I ever told ya'll about the two month period last year that I left Nigel at home on his grooming days? If I did tell ya'll that story - do you remember how I stuck post-it notes on the front door, the door to the kennel that Nigel and his sister, Chloe, sleep in during the mornings AND the post-it I stuck on the inside of my car windshield? Okay well, admittedly, I didn't stick the post it on the windshield until the 2nd month, since I had forgotten him the prior month.

And do ya'll remember how I got 3/4's of the way to work when I realized that my goreous son was still sitting at home wondering WTF? Mmm hmm..

I woke up Saturday morning - BAKING MORNING - like I normally do (at the butt-crack of dawn), made my coffee, let the kids out for their morning constitutional, filled up assorted doggie and kitty food & water bowls, sat down at the PC with lists upon lists of things that needed to be taken care of.. and promptly blowing said lists off so I could read new email.. when at six bells this shudder of terror crept down my spine.


Crusty Gruyere Stuffed Bread

Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, and Hail Mary, I knew I couldn't start baking until later than the rest of the gals because of the monthly grocery shopping extravaganza. So I bound down the hallway, bouncing off walls, to the kitchen and slapped that shite together. I noticed how dry it was and was kinda taken aback, as every starter I've had to make (hehe every.. like I've made TWO now and one of those died a horrible death that I try not to think about) has been spongy and wet. But oh well.. no time to dwell! I put her in a warm place and went about my usual morning routine and then left for shopping with Hubbs.

I didn't get to participate in much chit chat this month, which was a bummer because I missed all talk of vajayjays, exploding mammories and other unsavory topics that usually trip my trigger. Dammit. So in between TJ's and the greenhouse, we stopped home to unload the car and I made the dough. Left it to rise while we visited my mommie and when I got home I rolled it out and filled it with cheese, then rolled it up into a considerably long log. Another hour or so later, I cut the log up into 4 "mini" loaves (so not mini!) and pulled apart the outer layers so the cheesy goodness would have plenty of room to bubble up and out like the most delicious lava from a volcano I've ever seen.

Into the oven they went and back to the office I went to chat with Kelly and Mary for a bit.. I was also doing something else, but I can't recall what it was at this moment. Regardless of what it was, it wasn't too long after my cheesy volcanos went into the oven that I started to smell an all too familiar scent when I'm baking bread.. smoke. Dear sweet jebus the smoke alarm went off next. Gah.

Crusty Gruyere Stuffed Bread

I ran to the kitchen to find puffs of billowy black smoke emerging from the back of my oven - WHAT THE FUCK, BAKING GODS??? CAN YOU GIVE ME A BREAK JUST ONCE???? I took the loaves out and was more than alarmed to see that they had morphed into what can only be explained as a cross between a geoduck and a man's flaccid hoo-haw. I KID YOU NOT, kids. The Baking Gods were having another belly bustin laugh spree at my expense ONCE AGAIN. Helene's vajayjay-looking bread had nothing on these pornographic sea monsters. Oh hells no.

I ran back down the hallway in a frightened panic (you always know when I've been baking - that frightened panic takes over) and pounded out the words on my keyboard to Mary.. "OHMYGOD THERE'S SMOKE EVERYWHERE AND MY BREAD LOOKS LIKES LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF DEBBIE DOES DALLAS - HELP!!!" Mary calmly asked how high my oven was (425º as per instructions) and then recalled that I had a hot spot in my oven from when she was here back in October of 2007 - so she advised me to turn down the oven to 375º, and put them back in. They might take longer to bake, but at least they'd stop smoking. And the funny thing was.. the loaves, other than their embarrassing appearance, weren't burning.. nor was the cheese erupting from them like.. well.. GAH we will not discuss what the oozing cheese looked like - but the oven itself was smoking. So I did as she said and by the time I got back to the office, she and Kelly and I think Helene was there at that point, came up with a couple conclusions.. I had sprayed cooking spray on the parchment paper (no, didn't do that) - my oven was smoking because it might have just been cleaned and the heat was causing the residual cleaner to smoke (BINGO!). These gals are so smuckin' fart! :D

Hubbs had cleaned the oven out with soap and water a couple days before and it looked as if a lil soap residue was still there. PHEW. The rest of the baking process went beautifully - it did take an extra 10 minutes for them to bake through, but I was rewarded with the most AWESOME tasting cheesy bread that I've ever had. The outside had just the right crispiness, the inside was soft and gooey and the flavor.. ohhhh the flavor! Gruyère is the BEST cheese to bake with, in my humble opinion.

Crusty Gruyere Stuffed Bread

This is one of those recipes that I can not recommend enough. The dough was a snap to make and very easy to work with.. not sticky at all and it rolled out beautifully. Now it might not be the prettiest loaf of cheesy bread ever, but that just adds to the rustic charm of it. We (and by "we" I mean ME) inhaled the first loaf that afternoon.. I shared the 2nd loaf with him the following day and froze the other two.. they did not last longer than a week as I just toasted up the last of it this past Monday. My only advice to you would be to either double - nay triple - this recipe so you've got plenty in the freezer to get you through until next cheesy bread baking day. ;)

Thanks so much to my sexy bread bakin' mamas - I can't wait for the next Bakeanistas adventure! Love you all SO MUCH! :)


PS - Sorry that my post is a couple days late.. but the good news is I can sit for almost an hour now without having to request help to get outta my chair! hahahaa! Fakkin' sciatica. Gah. xoxo

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Comments on "What Happens When a Bakeanista Crosses a Geoduck and a Flaccid uhh.."


Blogger Laura Rebecca said ... (5/21/2008 9:18 AM) : 

Who knew cheese bread would conjure up images of genitalia?

It gives new meaning to the term "food porn."


Blogger Ben said ... (5/21/2008 9:29 AM) : 

LOL@food porn :-p

Are you starting a new baking community? Don't you have enough work with the daring bakers already? LOL Well if you are, then I am in :-p



Blogger Mary said ... (5/21/2008 9:29 AM) : 

Ok, now I just have to make this bread. The more pictures I see of it, even though some look pretty suggestive, the more I want to eat it!
I hope your sciatica gets better!


Blogger Veron said ... (5/21/2008 9:34 AM) : 

I have to laugh at this post...looks like you are having great fun with the...uh...cheese bread. Hope your sciatica feels better, sis.


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (5/21/2008 9:54 AM) : 

HA!! What an absolute laugh riot!!! I so now get your reference during our chats to geoduck. And you are doubly right, Panara has absolutely nothing on this bread!!

So glad your back is feeling better and you can actually stand for longer than 2 minutes.

smooches and hugs


Blogger Valerie Harrison (bellini) said ... (5/21/2008 10:35 AM) : 

Now there's a Bakeanista for 'ya!!!! Talk about your Foodie Porn...wink...wink...


Blogger creampuff said ... (5/21/2008 11:14 AM) : 

Oh, Lis! I had to start reading this three times because I couldn't get past the title I was laughing so hard!!!

I agree ... the bread certainly did rock!


Blogger mimi said ... (5/21/2008 12:37 PM) : 

oh lis, i never knew you were such a dirrrty grrl!! but your hot, steaming, cheesy flaccid pee-po looks scrumptious! (and no, i could not write the proper genitalia word on a baking blog, it just feels so improper!! mwhahaha)


Blogger glamah16 said ... (5/21/2008 12:37 PM) : 

Geoducks!Ha.I bet it was darn good.


Blogger MyKitchenInHalfCups said ... (5/21/2008 1:44 PM) : 

Ah, well, yes, I would breath a sigh of relief that thank goodness you have broken the quiet here but I'm laughing so hard I'm gasping for breath! Who knew that there could be so much fun and porn with bread!
Lovely, lovely. Please stay healthy, I do need my Lis fix you know!
Great bread and this one proves you can work it into your schedule!!


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (5/21/2008 2:13 PM) : 

Vajayjays?...I read and reread that three or four times..Vajayjays?? WTF? Then the bulb went on!!! I haven't stopped laffing and gigglin' since!!!! Only you Gurl, only you!!!!
As for the cheesy bread, well need I even tell ya what I think other than lip smackin good??? ;-)
How many DP cocktails did ya have on friday night? lol


Blogger Peabody said ... (5/21/2008 7:13 PM) : 

It does have a geoduck quality yes! Of course I don't think most people have ever seen that particular porno clam.
Having seen the bread around I can say that I am soooo wanting to try it.


Blogger Sara said ... (5/21/2008 8:33 PM) : 

Hee hee, how did you get so funny??? Great post, you made me laugh too. I love gruyere too!!! OHMAHGAWD!


Blogger jasmine said ... (5/21/2008 9:36 PM) : 

Yes, you've your own brand of food porn right there....



Blogger Unknown said ... (5/22/2008 1:05 AM) : 

I just had to stop at the title and go wipe the rolling stream of tears down my eye...and now that I am done reading I think I popped my rib again...laughing. My bread wants to ask yours for a date net time :)


Blogger Jenny said ... (5/22/2008 8:22 AM) : 

Hehehe Lis, you are going to cause me to BEG to join this group of bread bakers, not just because I need a kick in the butt lately with my baking, but also because it sounds so much fun, regardless of how the bread turns out!


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (5/22/2008 9:29 PM) : 

You're so funny! Really enjoyed reading your post.


Blogger Brittany said ... (5/22/2008 9:52 PM) : 

I would devour this bread! It looks great.
In my opinion, there are not enough penis shaped breads in the world, and being a washingtonian- the geoduck is always something that warms my heart.
Bravo- excellent post ; )


Blogger Morven said ... (5/23/2008 4:41 PM) : 

Breadmaking is one thing that doesn't light my fire but if my adventures in the kitchen were as fun as yours and the recipes so easy to make I may have to change my mind.

Your post was well worth the two day wait! Too funny.


Blogger Tracy said ... (5/25/2008 1:18 AM) : 

Funny post!
Both my husband & I have dealt with sciatica ... he finally got relief after going to a chiropractor. He was very skeptical but it's made a world of difference.


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (5/25/2008 3:12 PM) : 

Your posts are hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh. I'm still a bit afraid to try baking bread, but this recipe looks delicious and will definitely be bookmarked for laterl


Blogger June said ... (5/27/2008 4:17 PM) : 

I saw the picture before I read the post title and I have to admit that "penis" was the firs thing that came to mind. LOL. Naughty me!


Blogger Heather B said ... (5/27/2008 9:39 PM) : 

hahaha! Love the geoduck reference! They have made me giggle since I saw them on Dirty Jobs!

Love your 'geoduck'! Looks delicious!


Blogger sher said ... (5/28/2008 12:38 PM) : 

OK, I looked at this post yesterday, and I couldn't leave a comment because I was laughing too hard. Ahem. I've had my sleep, so let me say...without laughing....that...the bread looks delicious. and it looks very phallic. There! Now, I have to go giggle again, and e-mail more people to come read your post.


Blogger Amy J. said ... (5/28/2008 12:46 PM) : 

I am soooooo LOL at this!! Fortunately it's lunch hour here or the whole office would have heard me guffawing.

You ARE hysterical!


Blogger Melita said ... (5/28/2008 2:42 PM) : 

Soooo funny! Loved reading your post!
Gotta try that bread!


Blogger Sheltie Girl said ... (5/29/2008 10:39 AM) : 

I laughed so hard when I read kill me. I can't even make more comments the bad puns won't stop coming.

Natalie @ Gluten a Go Go


Blogger Katie Zeller said ... (6/01/2008 2:36 PM) : 

They do look like they're in little condom/sacks.... My mind must have followed your post too closely...
Delicious bread - hilarious bread-baking....


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